Sunday, December 25, 2011

A New Start...**Freshness Guarantee** (except walking corpses)

     Well, for me, Christmas is over. The meals have been eaten, the presents have all been opened, and I'm ready to take a nap. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I had both children today, and if you want to see pictures, I have made my Personal Christmas album on FB public.

Click Me For Pictures.

     Everyone always makes New Years Resolutions, and speaks of how its a new start. Then, by March, they have fallen right back into the same old routine (at least most of the time). The new kind of wears off, and they want to get back to whatever they consider normal. This year, I really don't have a choice. I have been thrust into a new start. I am not going to make any specific New Years resolution this year. I'm just going to enjoy my year. I believe that I paid my dues in 2011 and 2012 is going to be a good year for me.
     I have a lot of things to look forward to. Weight loss surgery, my children, making new friends, a bright future at FedEx, and lets not forget dating. I am out of practice, but I have a feeling that this will come natural if I find someone that meshes well with me. I can be a pain in the ass to get along with, and I tend to grow tired of people easily. However, there have been a few women in the past that grab and keep my attention through the years. I have faith that one will find me this year.
    I really have an opportunity to flip my life around and steer it in the right direction this year. I just have to play my cards right, and make sound decisions (easier said than done).

Now, onto the more pressing matter of the Zombie Apocalypse that is nigh. In fact some of us have less than a year left on this planet. I however, will be one of the survivors, because I am prepared. I have my Zombie Readiness Kit prepared, do you?

There are two types of survival kits.

The Pacifist (hides and waits)

The Aggressor (think brain matter)

     Which are you? Personally, I like the hide and wait method. Mainly because I'm fat and slow. I guess it would also depend on what type of Zombies we have. If we have like 28 Days/Weeks Later Zombies, then I am all about staying indoors and barricading myself up with some Spam and puzzles. If you have a Dawn of the Dead Lurcher type Zombie, it would be fun to screw around with them. They are slow, and the probably couldn't catch me.
     I know the Mayans didn't specify Zombies for 12/21/12, but I can read between the lines. Trust me, it will be Zombies. I have done extensive research on the Mayan Code (similar to the Da Vinci code). Its all very hard to understand, so I wont bother explaining. It took many late nights and many episodes of Legends of the Hidden Temple to figure it out.


(enjoy what little time you have left)

Friday, December 23, 2011

Santa is real, and my landlord is a douchebag....

IDIOT EDIT: I uploaded the correct video now.....

I received a special message from Santa. I didn't think he was real, but this evidence is overwhelming. I'm a believer. He even knew my name!

Now, if only he delivers the $1,000,000 in unmarked bills I asked for. I won't kill his elf.

(if you want to make your own video, you can do so HERE.) They are free to make and view online, and you can purchase an HD download for $7

So, on another note, let me rant.

My ex landlord has really turned out to be a total douchebag. Now, normally I try not to talk down to people, but he deserves it, and it will make me feel better.
     When Amanda and I decided to split, I called him up and told him the situation, and explained that we would need to break the lease. He explained that if we left the house in satisfactory condition, he would just keep the security deposit, and call it even Steven as long as we were out by the 15th. It sounded good to me, but I had very little to move. In fact, the only thing I took was Xander's things, my recliner, and the majority of the electronics. Amanda had a hard time getting ahold of a truck so it was the 15th and she was finishing up moving. I called the landlord and asked for an extra day to clean the house, and he said NO. I have real estate people coming to look at the house. At this point, I was like "well, its his fault".
     A few days later he calls me and tells me the house is gross, and there is trash out in the storage area, and we didn't take the can out to the end of the driveway for pickup. He also complained that we didn't give him back all his keys, and said that the attorneys that handle the trust are looking into their options "legally". I explained that he had the chance to let us clean, and that we gave him all the keys we had, but he insisted. He said he was going to have to replace all the locks in the house, and hire a cleanup crew to haul off what was left in storage. I explained that I would be happy to accommodate by cleaning out storage, and Amanda would be happy to handle the interior of the house if he would allow to get the keys.
     So, I cleaned out the storage building spotless, and Amanda worked for 2 days cleaning the inside of the house. She scrubbed baseboards, windowsills, floors, toilets, shower, name it. I then get another text from him today claiming that he can't tell anything had been done to the house.
     I explained to him that I felt like he was being difficult and looking for something to complain about. I decided to fight fire with fire since he is trying to sell the house. I kindly explained to him that he would have a difficult time selling the house due to the black mold in it. I explained that we had every right to move out because it was a health hazard. I told him I was done dealing with him, we no longer had business. I never heard back from him. Not sure if its a good sign or not.

It will be interesting if he takes us to court, especially since we only had 2 months left in our agreement. Some people are just out to make an extra dollar. Never mind that we always did good by him. We repainted door facings, replaced bathroom fixtures, the mailbox, bathroom molding, and never asked a thing in return, except to fix the plumbing in the bathroom so it didn't constantly smell like poo.

Christmas is upon us, and all my shopping is done, and I am broke as hell. I did something very special for my father this year, and I just know he is going to love it. I wish I could spill the beans now, but he typically reads  my blog, so it would spoil it. I certainly hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas, and I am going to try my damnedest to have a happy Christmas this year. At least I don't have anyone to nag at me all day this year. I think this is the first year I have ever been single for Christmas (that I can think of). I'm going to enjoy my children and go at my own pace.

Warmest Holiday Wishes from Big FAT Loser!

(Get it "warm wishes"....Santa is on fire) 
I kill myself sometimes.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Growing into my own....

     It still hasn't been all that long since the split from my wife, but I can already start to feel that things are headed in the right direction for me. I have been told that my attitude is better, and I am happier. I have been told this by at least 3 different people. I can only assume it's because I no longer have the stress of trying to keep a failing marriage together. The sad thing is that I didn't realize I was being such a douchebag to everyone. It's like I was taking out my frustrations on everyone outside the home, and saving my joy joy feelings for Amanda when I got home. Now, I can concentrate on being a good friend, and coworker, and treating myself good. I do feel happy now. Not only do I feel it, but others see it, and I'm slowly gaining my confidence again.
     Either way, this is eye opening, it lets me know that maybe I am headed in the right direction. I will admit, that  moving from a marriage to even consider dating is intimidating. It's hard to lose the mindset of being married. I'll definitely do my best though. Luckily, I have my sense of humor going for me, and there are a small number of women that find that attractive.
     I am still waiting to hear word from the hospital on my application for charity surgery. Bariatric Surgery is considered globally as an elective surgery, and the charity program does not cover elective surgeries. However, in my case, it is considered a medical necessity due to other illnesses, and if I don't get the surgery, the other illnesses will only continue to get worse. If they do approve me, I will be the first to get approved for a bariatric procedure under the charity program, which could be a big deal. If this doesn't go through, maybe I should contact A&E and see if they are still casting for "Heavy" lol. I don't know what else to do. I certainly cannot afford the surgery, especially now that I'm separated, and only have my meager income to deal with. Although I tend to show some personality through my writing, I'm not sure I would be a great presence on the small screen. I would be very awkward. I'll just stick with writing for now.
     The blog is still getting a lot of traffic, but for some reason, I'm not seeing an increase in subscribers. I would like to ask that if you are a regular reader, you would please follow or subscribe to my blog.

Christmas is coming up, and I hope that everyone enjoys their holidays with their families. I'm not exactly sure whats going on yet on my end, but I'm sure I will have plenty to keep me busy.

If I don't see you guys again...



Monday, December 19, 2011

A Big Thanks to Sherry Leak!

Thanks to Sherry Leak for making the new caricature for the banner. Luckily Amanda is still nice enough to create me a new banner since she is the photoshop wiz. I just work on electronics!

Anyhow, if you like the caricature, you can get them done HERE. She is quick, and responds to emails immediately. It was a pleasure working with her, and she is a talented artist. Keep your eyes peeled for the new banner!!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

"Just let go....You'll be OK"

     We have all either heard this or said it ourselves. It's where we turn to when we really don't know what to tell a friend or family member to help them feel better. It's an innocuous statement, and we know that eventually it will be ok, but in the meantime, we don't want to wait for it.
     This has definitely been the roughest separation I have had the displeasure of dealing with. I think I can confidently speak for both Amanda and myself when I say that. It's not necessarily that we don't love each other. We certainly do, despite some very hurtful things we have said and done to each other. Neither one of us are innocent in this mess, and we understand that. 
     Its difficult though, even though you know your wife has fallen out of love with you, to simply let go. If I didn't have a wonderful family with her, I could let her go easily. However, I feel like I can't have Gracie without Amanda. I don't mean that I can't take care of Gracie when I say that. I simply mean that, to me, they are a pair. They go together.  They are my baby girls. 
     The simple truth is that when I was going through my difficult times, I didn't treat Amanda like a woman deserves to be treated. I never once physically or verbally abused her, so it wasn't that type of maltreatment. I simply wasn't there for her emotionally. I shut off and became self absorbed. I "slept" as Ben Folds would eloquently put it in his song "Narcolepsy"

I should warn you
I go to sleep
I know you don't
Know what i mean
I get upset or happy
I go to sleep
You won't know when
I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I know it seems that I don't care
But something in me does I Swear
I don't remember all last year
I left you awake to cry the tears
While i was dreaming
I'm drowning
Save Me
Wake Me Up
I should warn you
I go to sleep
Nothing hurts when I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired

I just sleep...

     I think this is what happened to me, and now it's too late to fix it. We have caused each other so much pain and hurt over the past month, I don't think we can ever recover. Amanda is moving on, and I am too. We are moving on in more ways than one. Not only will we continue through this life looking for happiness without each other, but its time to hit the reset button and start over again. Amanda started that process without me unfortunately, but I'm paddling hard beneath the water to catch up with her.
     I have my surgery and children to worry about. Maybe this is for the best.

   With that being said, I want to say that You 2 are still my girls. You will always have a special place in my heart, but I'm not going to continue to struggle if you are ready to move on.
     A lot of my family don't understand why I put this out in the public like this. They believe that its inappropriate, but this is why I started the blog. Its like having a journal that talks back to me. A journal that listens, and learns as it reads my mistakes and successes.
I wish Amanda the best of luck on finding herself again, and finding whatever else it is she is looking for in life right now, and I will do the same. In the meantime, I will continue to blog, and we have a big weight loss journey in front of us after we have this surgery.

   Guys that may be reading this...remember, that if you are miserable, you're wife probably is too. No matter how bad things get, you have to remember the other people in your life, and make sure you give them love and affection. I learn from my mistakes, you should too.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Life's a trip....

    So, it is with a very heavy heart that I am announcing a separation and impeding divorce from my wife of 3 years. Things simply aren't working. When I hit my lowest point of my depression, it was simply too much for her to handle. The sad thing is, she says she doesn't want counselling. That hurt more than anything I think.
     Naturally things have been bumpy for us recently, and I'm ashamed to say that some foul exchanges have been made between me and Amanda and My family and Amanda. Facebook can be a real bitch. I post cryptic messages on there because I know that the people I'm close to will know what I'm talking about. However, its obviously a mistake, because it opened the door for all sorts of rude comments from both sides of the fence.
     I think what pisses me off the most is the fact that this wasn't my choice. Therefore, I still love Amanda dearly, and it hurts to see family talk badly about her. At the end of the day, this is my marriage, and my divorce. I appreciate my family's support, but sometimes it can be too much to handle. I know they are looking out for me, but it hurts to see them speak ill of Amanda.
     It is going to be a long process, and I'm currently in need of an apt and or a room mate. I'm trying to be out of the house by the middle of the month, but there is nothing to rent in town!

     The bariatric seminar went well. I am waiting on a phone call from Dr Jones, and an answer on my charity request (which my father is checking on tomorrow). It really is a great program, and if I'm approved, it will give me a new lease on life. Baptist Memorial Hospital is a great one.

     I cant wait for a call from the surgeon!!!!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Bah, Humbug!

     I seem to be a bit (read major) of a Scrooge when it comes to the holidays. I really dislike the Christmas season. I enjoy the atmosphere, and the lights and music, but that's honestly it. My wife and I have never really had a lot of money, so Christmas shopping always seemed more of a chore or a bill than anything. Last year we decided to tell the family not to get us anything, and we wouldn't get them anything (except for the kids). So now we just buy for the children of the family. The problem is that we both have separated families, and we were having to buy for like 30 people!
     With that being said, I do enjoy winter, and the spirit of the holidays, just not the commercialization of Christmas. The one where if you dont spend $1,000 on gifts, then you aren't in the spirit of giving. However, if you go to a black friday sale and pepper spray the 90 yr old lady over the last xbox, you are a saint. I also dislike the commercials! Thank goodness we dropped cable for Hulu and Netflix on the Xbox. The Target commercials make me want to claw my eyes and ears out! You know the one, with the blonde chick with ADHD. Yea, she annoys me.

     Moving on.....I have my bariatric surgery seminar this week. Dec 1 to be exact. I have all my paperwork together, and I'm ready to get the ball rolling. The hospitals require you to do this seminar before getting surgery, but at this point, I don't care if they tell me I'll be throwing up blood for 3 months, I'm still getting the surgery.

As always, Ill keep you guys updated.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving....a time for reflection

     You know, I see a lot of people post on facebook, the things they are thankful for on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if I could do the same thing. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed, in my own way, but it's a matter of being able to count those blessings. It takes a special frame of  mind to be able to spot the small things in your life that you are thankful for.
     I'm not going to sugarcoat things here either. My regular readers should know that well enough. This has a shit storm of a year. It seems that not a damn thing has gone according to "plan". Just to recap, Amanda lost her job, we had Gracie, Amanda had gall bladder surgery, I lost my job, we started school, we both struggled with depression, and obviously, the aforementioned has caused quite a strain on the one thing that I thought was unwavering; my marriage. Things are slowly getting better. However, It will take a long time for things to be back to the way they were before we got to this point.
    I think its important to not that I have had my own personal struggles as well, and during these times it was difficult to be the husband and father my children deserve. I don't think its appropriate at this time to go into details, but let's say that I am a better and healthier man for it.
  I am thankful for my absolutely beautiful wife, and gorgeous daughter. For those of you that dont have the pleasure of knowing my wife. I promise you...she is someone that can change your life just by knowing her. She is loving, incredibly intelligent, and crafty. I am thankful for my daughter even though she is a handful. I am thankful for my son, and all his incredible talents, and as odd as it sounds, I'm thankful for his other family. He has a Mom that cares for him to the ends of the world, and a step dad that loves him like his own son, and thankfully shares Xander's love for sports. Lord knows, I know nothing about it,
    I am thankful for my family's support through all these trials that my family has been through. They have never once judged me. They have simply supported me, and told me they loved me. They support me in more ways in one. My mom and dad and working together to make sure that I get the bariatric surgery that i so desperately need. I'm also thankful for my wife's family, and my job and co-workers. I'm sure there is someone I am forgetting, but I didn't intend for this to be a long blog entry.
   I got my paperwork turned in at NEA Baptist Hospital to see if I qualify for charity care since we are still struggling financially, and hopefully I will get approved. I was able to get letters of medical necessity from my family doctor and chiropractor. I will be attending a seminar for the bariatric surgery as a first step on Dec 1st.
   I will keep you guys updated. I am also thankful for hospitals like NEA Baptist that are willing to help those in need with these types of programs.

   Ill try to update the blog after the seminar on the 1st!

Happy Thanksgiving BFL Readers!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The next step....a gastric sleeve

   Well, I got my test results back. Everything was normal. I guess it's as good a time as any to let my readers know that I plan on undergoing bariatric surgery. Namely, a gastric sleeve. Regardless what some readers think, I have genuinely tried to lose weight, but unfortunately, back and hip problems have kept me from the ability to remain active. I have a pinched nerve in my back that makes my legs burn and tingle when I stand. I was also diagnosed with Lumbar Radiculopathy which is a fancy way of saying a herniated disc. Therefore I was able to obtain a letter of medical necessity and have begun the first stages of getting the surgery done.
   I know this will controversial for some readers, as not everyone agrees with bariatric surgery, but I'm not doing this for my readers, I'm doing it for my family and myself.
   Thankfully my father is helping with the red tape at the hospital while my mom helps financially. I am getting the surgery done at a non profit hospital so they will put me on a sliding scale for payments. Dr. Jones will do the surgery at NEA Baptist Memorial Hospital, and I am going to push to get it done by the end of this year, or early next year, as I already have all the paperwork done that needed to be done.
   I will pick back up on blogging, although it certainly wont be daily, I will keep the blog up to date as I go into this journey. If anyone reading this has gotten the gastric sleeve, please post your experience.

For more information on the gastric sleeve click me.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Chest Hair and Doctor Golden.....

   Not ready to make the big announcement yet, but I went into the doctor today and a full, head to toe work up in preparation for a referral. My morning started with them running a complete (8 vials!) blood lab. Checking Cholesterol, Liver and kidney function, blood glucose, thyroid, and a whole host of other things. I should have the results from the blood tests tomorrow.
   Now before I go into any further details, I need take the time to explain a momentary laps of judgement. The other night, in the attempt to draw a laugh, I decided (since no one sees my chest except Amanda) to shave a heart into my chest hair as a gag. I do not have alcohol to blame as I am 11 days sober!!! Unfortunately, it was just me being stupid. I woke up the next morning and suddenly it dawned on me.... I HAVE A FULL PHYSICAL TOMORROW! They are going to see the heart, and I am going to have to explain it.
   The visit was almost over (i thought). They had done xrays, bloodwork, measurements, name it. Well, I went to pee, and when I returned to the room I was greeted by 2 nurses and an EKG machine (SHIT!) I knew what was coming. "Mr Boling, we are going to do an EKG, please remove your shirt and lie on the bed." I immediately went on the defense. "OK....but before I take off my shirt, I need to explain something" (at this point, I think they were prepared for me to tell them I had a third nipple, or an alien baby growing from my abdomen, sans Total Recall). "I thought it would be cute to shave a heart into my chest hair, so when I remove my shirt, don't laugh, OK?" The nurses both acknowledge with smirks on their faces. No quicker did I have the shirt above my head, they were both laughing. "See this is what I DIDN'T want to happen. Don't be gossiping to the nurses!"
   They hooked me up to the EKG and the shaved heart proved to be useful when attaching what felt like thousands of what I call "Diodes". Im not sure that's the technical term. They finally finished, and a few minutes later, my good, familiar, and favorite doctor was in the room (Dr. Golden). I have been seeing this man since before I had pubic hair. He explained to me that the EKG uncovered what is known as a "Bundle Branch Block" (sounds like a decent band name). If you are interested in reading more about this disorder (for lack of better word) you can learn about it by clicking here.
   I was also put on blood pressure meds, and given a referral to a (currently) undisclosed Dr. Golden took a full physical (turn your head and cough please), and really put me through the ringer. I will post my blood test results tomorrow. 

I will make a big announcement when/if things work out like I'm planning. I dont want to get ahead of myself. 

Monday, August 22, 2011

Ben Folds live in Birmingham....

    So this weekend was Amanda's birthday, and we had 3rd row tickets to see Ben Folds at the Alys Stephens Performing Arts Center in Birmingham. Ben Folds holds a special place in both of our lives. His CD was playing on our first date when I picked her up, his song played at our wedding, we named our Daughter after one his songs... So it was a no brainer when ASPAC mentioned a special meet and greet opportunity with Ben Folds. We jumped right on it, and paid the extra fee to get to meet him. The gentleman described it as an intimate meet and greet in which we would be able to have dialogue with Ben and have him sign some items, and get a personal picture with him. Our plan was to get him to autograph a picture of Gracie for her to have when she gets older.
     This will be me writing about the experience. First of all, we drove 5 1/2 hours for this concert. That is saying a lot considering gas prices and the fact that I was unemployed up until last week.We made the trip and had an extremely nice stay at Drury Inn on Grandview Parkway in Birmingham. This was honestly one of the nicest hotels we have had the experience of staying in.
    We left early so we could get in line early for the meet in greet. We were then told by an event coordinator that he didn't know if Ben would be doing personalized autographs, but they did have signed posters for us. I was thinking well, hes just covering his ass. We went and stood in line for 40 minutes, then they started herding the group down through the hallways and made clear to us there was no photography allowed. I thought this was odd. Especially considering we paid a fee for the "VIP Meet and Greet". Ben is not one to not allow photos, or to try to dissociate himself from his fans. So 50 of us were put in the first three rows of a small concert hall. Amanda and I were in the first row. We were then told that Ben would come on stage, and they would take one row at a time up to the stage to meet Ben and pause for a brief photo. Im thinking "Cool" someone will take the pictures for us, then we can get him to sign the photo of Gracie. NOPE! Instead they herded us up 20 at a time, and made us take a group photo. Ben said he felt like the Teacher in a school photo. You could tell he obviously felt awkward about the weird "meet and greet". We then proceeded to be able to shake his hand and say "Nice to meet you" before being rushed off stage and handed these very unpersonalized autographed posters.

    Dont get me wrong, It was a thrill to shake hands with Ben, and get a nice poster, but I felt completely cheated on the VIP "Meet and Greet". I put in a phone call to the ASPAC today and the guy expressed concerned, but it will be interesting to see where it leads on them taking care of us.

    On a lighter note, Ben performed an AMAZING set. He played close to 15-20 songs, and had 2 encores. He performed an acapella version of Hiro's Song, and a balladesque version of Song for the Dumped. He was very funny and charming and had a lot of dialogue with the audience. We had 3rd row tickets, so we had an amazing view.
Here are a couple of Videos for you.


Steven's Last Night in Town 


Song for the Dumped
"Surrounded/Rock This Bitch"

  He truly does put on a fantastic concert. Ill put up our "Class Picture" with him as soon as UAB uploads it to their Flickr account. Hopefully they will make a conscious effort to make things right.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A New Chapter...

     Well, I would be lying if I said the past 5 months haven't been difficult for everyone. Between my attitude and incessant whining, I'm surprised Amanda has let me live to talk about it. We are both enrolled in school now. Amanda is seeking her degree in Funeral Sciences, and I am seeking mine in Music Education (Choir/Vocal).
Amanda is attending ASU, and I am attending Black River Technical College. School starts next week.
     I have also finally managed to nab a job at Radio Shack. I will be working as an MIT for an undisclosed amount of time, and hopefully, eventually get my own store. Then the decision will need to made whether or not to continue my Education into Music. For now, I will work on my Associate of Arts degree, which basically means I have 2 years to decide on my major before transferring to a 4 year school. Radio Shack is a very ambitious company, and I like that. The Management so far has been fantastic. The District Manager is a no nonsense type, and very friendly, and easy to talk to. The store manager is also a great guy, and very approachable. He is the type isn't afraid to get his hands dirty and help his associates. He is constantly on the sales floor helping customers. That's more than you can say about most managers.
To Celebrate, I even had a fellow dev make me a custom Lock Ring for my Evo.

     On top of all that, Gracie decided she wanted to start walking. She went from crawling to walking in about 1 month! That's pretty damn quick. I would love to post a video, but Cyberlink Power director is being a nuisance right now. I'm just going to have to post it sideways unfortunately.
You get the idea....

     I get to go on a trip Wednesday to Memphis with a fellow MIT from Radio that is a recent graduate and is getting her own store. I'm looking forward to getting to know one of my coworkers. That's always one of the most difficult tasks in starting a new job.

Jonathan, one of his friends Damien, and myself have decided to start going to the gym together, we are all roughly in the same shape. I could just never connect with the people over at Fitness Boot Camp, so we are going to try a different approach. We will be doing video blogs with weekly weigh ins and myfitnesspal food diaries. I'm thinking with me being on my feet again in a retail environment it should be good for me. At least much better than sitting on my fat ass playing Halo.

I will start uploading videos again when I get my new PC in a couple of weeks. So stay Tuned. I will also be making Jonathan and possibly Damien Admins on blog so they can help out on the weight loss blogging.

We still have to work out the details.

Thanks to all my faithful readers, and sorry for the MIA's here lately on the blog. Things will get back into rhythm  soon.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Another week on the books....

     Well, I mentioned earlier this week that I had a lot of job prospects out there. I'm still really hoping for the position at a place called Container Components. They make lids, hinges, and casters for dumpsters. The job pays well, and I'll be doing basically the same thing that I did at Smurfit Stone. I have also been offered a job as a wireless phone salesman that will pay commission. I need to negotiate salary though before I can make a final decision on which job I want.
    My therapist tells me that finding a job is going to be a huge step in overcoming my anxiety and depression. I think he is really on to something, because even on the days that I'm running around for interviews and such, I can tell a difference in my attitude. I think its possible to spend too much time at home. If you would have asked me 6 months ago, I would have sworn that I would never get tired of staying home with my family. Don't get me wrong. I love my family and I feel blessed to have them, but sometimes you need to get away from the house.
     I have found myself losing interest in the simple things that use to bring me joy when I was staying at home. I think it has more to do with boredom than depression. I'm ready to get back out into the work field and do something with myself. I really hope I get the call next week.
     On another note, Amanda has decided to go back to school. She is starting mortuary school of all things. Its apparently something she has wanted to do for a while. I don't understand it fully, but if it is something that she will enjoy, I support it. One thing I have learned from depression is that if it makes you happy, do it. It's such a simple idea, but I think that a lot of people forego what makes them happy because they are afraid of what others will think. This is something I am determined to teach my kids early on. There is a point when you are a kid where the idea of doing what makes you happy leaves....and for a lot of people it doesn't come back. I think it has a lot to do with pressures in high school to fit in.
     My foot is feeling better. I have been able to get around fairly easy on it. I'm still not exactly sure how I broke my foot. I almost laughed when I read that stress fractures are common among athletes. I guess that's one thing that athletes and fat people have in common...
     We have a little over a month before our big trip to Birmingham. I'm really starting to stress over how we are going to finance the trip. I really hope that I have a job by then. That will help the financing of the trip tremendously. The only thing left to pay for is the hotel, and gas. Then of course we have food and fun, but luckily our idea of fun is a quiet night at the hotel room with a good movie and some beer.
     I finally got my video editing software up and running, but I lost all my old footage. Its on youtube, so I'm hoping I can lift the intro video off of one of my old videos, because that thing was a pain in the ass to make. I have a camcorder full of videos that I haven't been able to touch because of the software situation. Im sure the youtube viewers have about given up on me.
     Gracie is crawling around like you wouldn't believe. She is so close to walking. Sometimes when she stands up, I halfway expect to take off running, but she usually just falls on her butt.

As always, I will update you guys when I hear back on the job situation and make a decision on it.

Here is a patriotic picture of Gracie. These are her 4th of July pics.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

When it Rains, it pours....

     Well, I missed the train on McD's, but I think maybe that was in the cards for me.
I had an interview today at Russell Wireless that went very well. I also have 2 interviews tomorrow, and I got another phone call today from an employer that is wanting to hire me.
     The guy at Russell Wireless pretty much told me he wanted to hire me, but that there wouldn't be an opening for me until the end of the month. So worst case scenario, Ill have a job at the end of the month. However, there still needs to be some negotiations on the pay rate, which he says will come at a later date.

On another note, I somehow managed a stress fracture in my right foot. Let me tell you, it kills! They gave me tramadol (which I hate) for the pain. It makes me sick at my stomach, and gives me a hell of a hangover.

Ill keep you guys posted on the job situation, and I'll let you know when a decision is made. I'm definitely seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have 3 people wanting to hire me!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Sometimes, pride gets the best of you...

     So, as most of my readers know, I have been looking feverishly for a job. I have had a handful of interviews, and I have been given answers from "you are overqualified" to "we filled the position from within the company".
     I realize that the problem is that when I interview, I'm up against 50 other applicants. I try not to make excuses, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if my weight has anything to do with whether or not I get a job. Obviously a potential employer would never admit to this, but let's face. Obesity is linked to (although unfairly) to laziness. When I have a job, I perform to the best of my abilities, which in most cases has led to my getting promoted fairly quickly. I am in no means trying to brag. I'm just trying to explain that when I have a job to do, I do it well.
    First let me tell you what interviews I have had, and the answers I have gotten.

  1. Grainger- Interview went well, the job was doing exactly what I did at Smurfit. I got some automated email about how they chose another canditate.
  2. Staffmark- Scored very high on all my exams, and they tried to get me in at Jimco. Jimco said I was "overqualified" for the position, and I would be better suited for a supervisory position.
  3. Ascent Health Care- Interview went well, I was offered a job to drive mentally challenged kids on a van to and from home for $8.00 an hour. I would have made less than what I'm drawing for unemployment. They offered me a position, I turned it down.
  4. Southern Marketing Associates- Interview went well, I was in the top two candidates, and a college graduate was chosen over me.
  5. Express Personnel- offered a job in Pocahontas for $9.00 an hour. Again, not enough to justify the drive to pocahontas. I am making more money on unemployment,
  6. A.I.D. Professional Employment- application in, waiting to hear on a local position.
  7. Express Pawn-Interview went well, nice paying job, filled 3 positions with other people. No explanation asked or given. 

    Now, this is just interviews I have had. This doesn't include the countless applications I have put in. I put in 6 applications at St. Bernard's Regional Medical Center alone. I have received 4 rejection emails. I have applied for FedEx, UPS, SubTeach, USPS, Best Buy, Target, Radio Shack, AT&T, Nordex, Nicepak, Wal-mart, Kmart, Dollar General, Verizon, Sprint, and many many many more. 
   This brings me to where I am today. I got a call from Russell Wireless (Verizon) for an interview, and spoke in depth with the manager about the position, and feel like I will be offered a position. The Verizon will be a base salary plus commission, so the earning potential is high. I have not YET been offered offered a position with this company, but I feel like I will get a job offer.
     Today, I interview with McDonalds, YES, I said McDonalds. They offered me a job on the spot, 27,000 per year, plus profit sharing and bonuses, with the ability to promote very quickly to general manager (which I am told pays over $40k per year. This is where my pride steps in. I do not like the idea of taking a job at McDonalds. I feel like I am taking a leap backwards. I put my 4 years in at Sonic, and I swore I would never go back to fast food. However, 27K is over twice what I'm making now, and just a couple grand less than what I was making at my last job.
    The problems are many, but the main problems with working at McDonald's is as follows. 
  1. Fast Food means I'll be on my feet all day
  2. They are going to make me shave my beard!!!!!!!!!
  3. I will stink like stale disgusting grease.
  4. I will have weird hours. No telling which shift I will work.
     So once I was offered the job at McD's, I immediately called the Verizon manager and explained that I owe McDonald's an answer by Tuesday at the latest. I made sure he understood that I would rather work selling cell phones, than Hamburgers. He is going to try to get me in by Saturday for an interview with the district manager.
     I guess my question is; Should I take a job at McDonald's. Am I "too good" to work at McD's. Should I suck it up and take a job on my feet again for 27k? There is definite room for advancement at McD's, but I will also be around food all the time, which is no good for a fat ass like me. 
    I have to make a decision by I have a lot of thinking to do.

     On another note, I have NOT been exercising. I haven't gone to Fitness Boot Camp in two weeks. My depression is worse now than it has ever been, so I decided to make an appt for a shrink to try to get to the root of my depression problems. It is getting in the way of my weight loss, and my health. I drag my ass out of bed most days at 1PM. I have a feeling that once Cornelius reads this, he will not be happy. After all it has been proven that exercise helps depression. I feel like I have disappointed him, and myself. I don't want it to make my friends and readers question my will to lose weight. However, it will be hard to understand for anyone that has never suffered from depression. It really is debilitating. I just hope that the shrink will have some ideas on how to overcome it.
     I want/need to get back to Fitness Bootcamp. I need Cornelius to kick my ass into submission. Sometimes I think to myself. "You need to get the hell up and do something. You are a fat ass, and if you don't fix yourself, you will not live to see Gracie or Xander graduate." Then the other side of me says "just sit on your ass and continue to feel sorry for yourself, it doesn't matter anyway".
     I appreciate the readers that take the time to listen to my rants, and my attempt to feel sorry for myself. I know that there are people that have it much worse than me, but I enjoy being able to vent to my readers and at least have the illusion that someone out there is interested in what I have to say.

P.S. GUS, where have you been? 


Friday, June 10, 2011

BFL Family Update.

     Things have just kind of been crawling for the Bolings lately. We've had Xander since last week, and he's staying until next week. I've been attending Fitness Boot Camp, but I haven't been attending much yet because I have still not been able to meet up with Cornelius. I feel bad for continuing to go and not doing anything to hold up my end of the sponsorship. I'm hoping he will have time to sit down soon. He has been very busy. I have been going at least once a week for now until I can get a sit down with him. From there I will figure out how often I need to go without overdoing it.
     Xander lost his first tooth the other night. That was exciting. I knew it was ready to come out, but he was moping around being a weenie about letting anyone touch it. He finally plucked up the courage and walked up to me and said "Ok, pull it out, Daddy". I said ok. I reached in his mouth and barely got a hold of it, and he crumpled in the floor like a pile of laundry and started crying. I couldn't help but laugh at him being so dramatic. He went ahead and ate with the tooth barely hanging on, so I had to tell him to make sure not to swallow it! He came back in the living room with tears in his eyes again because his loose tooth was bothering him. He cried for like 30 min, and I finally had to tell him to go to his room if he was going to act like that! He decided to let me have another shot at pulling it. I barely plucked it, and it popped right out. Xander was instantly happy. I tried to explain to him that he acted silly over a loose tooth, but I seem to remember being a bit dramatic about my first loose tooth as well.

     I still have been keeping a horrible sleep schedule. I'm going to bed most nights/mornings around 4AM, and get up at 11AM or so. Im trying to change it around, but Gracie usually isnt in bed until late, and I enjoy the quiet time after she goes to bed. I'm not exactly sure how this sleep schedule effects my health and well being. I feel like I'm getting enough rest, I just have an odd schedule. I should probably look into it. Although, most days I feel guilty when I wake up so late. I feel like I've wasted the day.
     I haven't been doing alot of videos lately, because there really doesn't seem to be anything interesting enough to vlog about. As stated before, we really haven't been doing a lot. Amanda's crafting has been on hiatus, so she has taken to Sims 3, and of course Gracie. She has also found a website called Pinterest that she really loves to frequent. I've been doing a lot of modding on my phone to kill time.
     I have been looking feverishly for work. I've applied at several places, and I am doing interviews. I was offered a job working 30 hours a week, but I would have made less than I am making drawing unemployment, so obviously, I turned it down. There is one particular job that I am holding out hope for. He is interviewing ALOT of people though, so I hope my interview was memorable. I have another interview next Thursday with a local AT&T call center, but I just really don't know that I would jive there. I could do the work, and the pay is better than unemployment. Not nearly as good as my previous job, but I can't expect a miracle job with no degree. I just know that money is tight and I really need a job quickly. I tend to get anxious over money very easily. It causes me a lot of unhealthy stress. So, I'm trying to keep an open mind during my job search.
     Gracie has started pulling up on things, and every now and again she will decide to let go, and just stand there flailing her arms. Every time she does it, it scares the crap out of me, but she does well to grab ahold of something if shes about to fall. Every once in a while you will hear a loud -THUD- and she will be sitting on her butt in the floor, clapping her hands.

     She is still sleeping like crap on most nights. The doctors say she is just a "needy baby". I feel sorry for Amanda some nights. I've tried on several occasions to put her down myself to help out, but she just wont go down for me. She immediately pops her little eyes open when I lay her down. Its so frustrating to have an 8 month old daughter that keeps my wife from having happy healthy sleep. I know it will pass, but sometimes, it just seems like its never going to end! I speak like its some skin off my teeth, but I'll be honest....I have it easy. Amanda does most everything when it comes to the actual care and feeding of the baby. I just play with her and act goofy. Mom has been helping when she can by keeping Gracie overnight once a month or so, and man, those nights are wonderful! Its a huge burden, so we hate to really ask anyone to do it for us. Mom just ended up volunteering one day, and we took her up on it. Its wonderful to have a night to just sit and cuddle with Amanda and not have to worry about a fussy baby!
     Thanks for sticking with me on this post. It was long overdue, so it had a lot of content. I hope to get you guys a vlog soon.

Friday, June 3, 2011!

     The fitnesspal food and exercise tracker will cease to exist as of today on the blog. I will be creating an exercise journal in the very near future, but I will be on a very strict meal plan, and food tracker does not track the type of foods I am planning on taking. Regardless of whether or not we work out a deal on the fitness boot camp meals, I am going to do his supplements going forward.
     I have an appointment with Cornelius tomorrow to iron out the rest of the details on the sponsorship, at which time, BIG FAT LOSER will undergo some slight changes in appearance, frequency of posts, and types of posts. I will also be attending "Legs" day tomorrow. I had arms day today and had a very good workout. Cornelius has been very busy lately, so the meet and greet, and setting up the details of the sponsorship has taken a little longer than either of us expected.
     My immediate goal is to attend 3-4 days a week. I don't think I will be doing ab classes just yet, unless of course Corn thinks its necessary. I was very happy to see that I was back down to my starting weight of 360 the other day at the Dr. I think the Paxil was really making me out on the lbs!
     As far as the Paxil goes, the withdrawals have pretty much ended. I still have some mood swings here and there, but for the most part, the brain zaps are gone, as well as the feeling of impending doom. I feel like I have a clean slate, and I have been doing very well with the boot camp. I will admit, sometimes its hard to go to boot camp. I don't always look forward to it. I can definitely say that the more I am going, the more I enjoy going. People keep telling me that I will get addicted, and I look forward to that. It will also help once I get some weight off and I am able to stay motivated.
      I am putting a lot of faith in the crew at FBC unlimited. So far the team seems great. I am just enjoying my back spot! I gotta make sure I get there early enough to get a spot in the back of the class, because sometimes I feel really awkward out there dancing around. Sometimes its hard to get the rest of my body to stop when I do!!!!

    I will update my readers tomorrow after the meeting with Cornelius.

Thanks alot Fitness Boot Camp!

Heres a linky loo for those who would like it.  FBC Unlimited
Also please check out FBC's Facebook Fan Page and Twitter

The twitter page hasn't been updated in a while, but all that is about to change. Stay tuned, and please follow them on twitter, and like them on Facebook.

Also don't forget to find my Facebook Fan Page and click the "Like" button!

We are in for a fun ride!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

It's time to go back to work...

     So, I think I have decided to go ahead and seek full time employment, and attend school at night. Unfortunately, Unemployment is simply not enough to enjoy the lifestyle that we are use to. Part time jobs are difficult to come by right now. The few I have found pay so little, that its hardly worth trying to work all the hours for the small pay.
     I have 2 more interviews lined up this week. One on Tuesday and one on Wednesday. The one on Wed. is for a sales position at a rather large auto dealership in Memphis. I have often toyed with the idea of going into auto sales, but I have honestly always been afraid to take the leap. This particular company guarantees $5000 salary during training as well as some other benefits. The pay would have to be really good for me to make the commute though.
     As much as I would like to stay at home and attend school and not work, I just don't think its feasible to do so. I spend more time worrying about money than its worth. Plus its unhealthy for me.
     I do have some good news though...I went to the doc a couple of days ago, and I have dropped 11 lbs since my first weigh in at Fitness Bootcamp. Thats good news!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

3rd Wedding Anniversary

I dug up an old video that we played at our wedding in honor of our wedding anniversary. I hope y'all enjoy.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


For those of you wondering, I have been keeping a food diary, but I have been doing it on paper for the people at the fitness boot camp. I will need to get some items moved over to so please stick with me during the switch over.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Bigger Fatter Loser

     I went to fitness boot camp today and got weighed and measured. I'm upset, and yet somehow not surprised to report that I now weight 371 lbs. I'm not going to let it get me down though. I know part of the reason is me not working, and sitting around the house too much. Also the fact that I went 3 weeks without dieting while quitting my paxil.
    My first day of fitness boot camp starts tomorrow, and I'm ready. I have a feeling that the deal me and Cornelius is working out is going to a life changer. I'm not entirely positive at this point, but I believe that my program is going to include the meal plan. That means, not having to worry about counting every calorie. Just stick to my meal plan, and I'll be good to go. He told me a success story today about a guy that weighed 400 lbs and did his program with great success. He started in January and has lost 50 lbs since then.
     Cornelius says that we will work out a meal plan and weight loss goal tomorrow, so I will update you guys when I talk to him.

Stay Tuned! Things are about to get interesting!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Big Fat Loser has its very first sponsorship!

     We have a local fitness boot camp that is all the rage in town. A lot of people attend the classes, and its kind of an in your face weight loss program. I honestly don't know much about the company aside from the fact that they  yield amazing results, and cater to any body size and type. My mother has used them for about a month.
     I have to admit, I got the email from Boot camp this morning after my email questioning a sponsorship. When I opened it, all it said was "Its a done deal, Call me to work out the details". My first thought was elation. Followed quickly by "Oh shit, this dude is going to make me work". I feel like this is what I need in a weight loss program. I need somebody behind me pushing me. I know my readers do the best they can to do this for me, but this is someone that will be here physically to smack me around if I screw up (not literally).
     I don't know the details or the extent of the sponsorship yet. I am suppose to speak with Cornelius today hopefully. Then I will know something more, and I will post it here. Expect plenty of updates on my progress with Fitness Boot Camp.

For those of my local readers that may be interested in joining me when I start, here is their website.

I can't wait!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Jesusland...What does it mean to you?

     I've been listening to a lot of Ben Folds lately, leading up to our meet and greet concert in August. I've taken it upon myself to start listening closer to lyrics and less to the song as a whole. I was driving around today and listening to one of BF's older albums, "Songs for Silverman" (which coincidentally has the song that our daughter was named after). I heard the song Jesusland, and the longer I listened to it, the more it made sense. I must have listened to it 4-5 times before making my own interpretation of the lyrics.  When I parked at the grocery store, I looked up the songs actual meaning on one of my favorite websites only to discover I wasn't far off.
      My family and friends (and friends family) may be reading this and thinking "my lord, this kid is off the beaten path." That may be true, but like any other self proclaimed religion, I have my own beliefs in what I believe "God" means. Now, does that mean I am not christian? Maybe to some people this is how it seems, but I assure you, my family is very spiritual. My children will be raised exactly as I was....Learn and Know the bible. However, when my children get old enough to start asking questions, and make sound decisions, it will be their decision which religious path they choose, and I support them 100%.
With all of that out of the way, I will get back to my original point. I apologize for the ramblings, but there may be some people that need to understand my point of view. Jesusland is about the mass commercialization of Religion (in whatever form it takes for you). It illustrates Jesus walking through America. What would he think? How would he feel? "You" in the song represents Jesus, I believe, and it really hits home once you think about the lyrics. Not everyone is guilty of commercialization, but I think that any person would agree on at least some points that the song makes. Without further rambling, I present to you, Jesusland by Ben Folds. I will warn you, the first 5 seconds are hard to listen too....Nobody likes a clashing harmony...

Take a walk
out the gate you go and never stop
past all the stores and wig shops
quarter in a cup for every block
and watch the buildings grow
smaller as you go

Down the tracks
beautiful McMansions on a hill
that overlook a highway
with riverboat casinos and you still
have yet to see a soul


Town to town
broadcast to each house, they drop your name
but no one knows your face
Billboards quoting things you'd never say
you hang your head and pray

for Jesusland

Miles and miles
and the sun goin' down
Pulses glow
from their homes
You're not alone
Lights come on
as you lay your weary head on their lawn

Parking lots
cracked and growing grass you see it all
from offices to farms
crosses flying high above the malls
A longer walk

through Jesusland

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Time to get back on track...

     As most of my readers will know, I have been a taking a hiatus from the weight loss end of things since deciding to quit Paxil. I did so under the instruction of my Dr. I finally feel like I am getting back to feeling like myself. In fact, I have heard it from others as well. They say that I seem more like my old self now. Truthfully, I am starting to feel the same way.
     Granted, some withdrawal symptoms are hanging around a little longer than others, hence my posting this blog at 2AM. The Brain Zaps are still present, but they are much less often, and not as debilitating as they were. Seeing as how I am feeling so much better, I think it's time to get back on the wagon with the weight loss journey.
    To kick off this journey on the right foot, I will not be playing Halo this weekend at all starting immediately, and Amanda will attest to this. I will be active tomorrow, by cleaning out the garage, and doing some things around the house that have been neglected over the last month.
    A necessity for this to work is a stable bedtime schedule. I have gotten the go ahead from the doctor to switch from Klonopin to Ambien to help with sleep, and I will be in bed by 1AM on a nightly basis, and up by 9-10AM. This is going to be difficult especially since the worst withdrawal effect I am having is insomnia.
     Starting tomorrow, I will begin my detox. I will have 1 gallon of Green Tea (lightly sweetened with Splenda) and 1 gallon of water. I will then begin my diet and exercise diary again on Monday. This means that my diet starts Monday! You have my word that I will update my food/exercise diary EVERY SINGLE DAY.
     I appreciate everyone's support, and I'll need to continue to receive it to be successful, so keep it up!!!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Amanda's birthday gift

BEN FOLDS TICKETS!!! The concert is on yourbirthday

Things are looking better....

     Well, aside from the fact that it's 4AM things seem to be going fairly well.Tonight was night 4 with no paxil. The only side effect that I am really noticing is "brain zaps". These can be very disheartening, but I'm trying to hang in there. Amanda says she can tell a difference in my demeanor, but I honestly don't feel it. The only thing I feel are brain zaps. I have been taking omega 3 fatty acids, and I ordered some L-Tryptophan to help with sleep and seratonin levels.
     Since I have felt decent, I have been doing some Vlogging, so I expect to have a new video up late tomorrow, or early Thursday. I have just been trying to take it easy, and stay away from stress while the withdrawal process wraps up. I have also been drinking ALOT of water. I bought a new water bottle, and I named it "Gus" for reasons obvious to only a few people. So its like.."baby, will you fill Gus up for me" lol.
    I called the doc today to see about getting a refill on my ambien, and I think I am going to start taking it nightly until I get things back to normal. I have got to start going to bed at a decent hour. This sleep schedule of 5-12 is killing me. Anyhow, I just wanted to check in to let you guys know that I'm still kicking, and its getting better every day!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Practical Amanda....Lyrics are so true

Who'd look at that dump and see a home?
Why not move in somewhere easy?
Urinals where bedrooms ought to be
Who could be bothered,really?

You're really good at all that stuff
The nuts and bolts of living
Curtains, blinds and kitchen tables

I've got no time for dates and plans
No I'm too busy dreaming
You're the one with the attention span
You're not the free wheeler

Practical, practical
Saved one life
And made two others
Practical Amanda

Who'd look at me
And see someone
That might be
Worth redeeming
Head and heart
And soul fucked up
Who could be bothered, really?

I've got no time for dates and plans
No I'm too busy dreaming
You're the one with the attention span
Practical Amanda

Practical, practical
Saved one life
And made two others
Practical Amanda

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard..

A lot of water

I had a gallon and a half of water today. I plan on doing the same tomorrow. Withdrawals have been limited to brain zaps only. So far so good.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I haven't forgotten!

     I know it may seem to some people like I have forgotten about the blog, and the food and fitness diary. I promise, this is not the case. Unless you have personally experienced the problems that come along with quitting Paxil, this will be hard for you to understand.  
     It takes every ounce of energy that I have just to get out of bed in the mornings. The anxiety and depression that comes along with Paxil withdrawal is truly debilitating. When someone tells me that its all in my head, it pisses me off so bad. While some symptoms are possibly in my head, the physical symptoms are NOT. Things are getting a little better each day, and typically withdrawals last about 2 weeks. I simply have not had the emotional will to a lot of the things that come along with the blog. The nurse also told me that dieting would NOT be a good idea during the Paxil taper schedule, so I havent been logging my foods. Thats not to say that I have gone nuts and I'm eating horrible foods. I just have been eating normally.
     Once things get back to a sense of normalcy, I will continue the weight loss journey, and I will NOT miss any days in my diary. In order to show my commitment to logging food and exercise on a daily basis, going forward, for every day that is not update properly, I will do 25 push ups and 25 jumping jacks. In order for my followers to know that I did them, we will document them with the camcorder and post them on here. I hope to get things back to normal within the next week.
     In the meantime, don't dismiss the withdrawal I am experiencing. There is plenty of documented stories of the withdrawals. They are very real, I assure you. In the meantime, enjoy the video blogs. At the request of a reader I will start posting them on this site AS WELL as my youtube channel.

Big Fat Loser Easter

Big Fat Loser: Slip and Slide Fail

Amanda's Sister cannot get the hang of how to slip and slide. Too Funny!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter from the BFL Gang!!!

I just hate my little man couldn't be here for the Easter Pics. We will get another with him next time he's over. Love you Xander!!! <3

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Paxil Withdrawal

Im on day 2 of my Paxil tapering schedule, and I'm feeling it today. I've had hot flashes/chills, profuse sweating, trembling, the feeling of weakness in my legs and arms, shortness of breath, hear palps. Not to mention the horrible anxiety I have had today.
I looked up some other withdrawals symptoms as well. There is a literal laundry list.

Frequently Reported Symptoms:

  • intense insomnia
  • extraordinarily vivid dreams
  • extreme confusion during waking hours
  • intense fear of losing your sanity
  • steady feeling of existing outside of reality as you know it (referred to as depersonalization at times)
  • memory and concentration  problems
  • Panic Attacks (even if you never had one before)
  • severe mood swings, esp. heightened irritability / anger
  • suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)
  • an unconventional dizziness/   vertigo
  • the feeling of shocks, similar to mild electric one, running the length of your body
  • an unsteady gait
  • slurred speech
  • headaches
  • profuse sweating, esp. at night
  • muscle cramps
  • blurred vision
  • breaking out in tears.
  • hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, smells.
  • decreased appetite
  • nausea
  • abdominal cramping, diarrhea
  • loss of appetite
  • chills/ hot flashes

Less Frequently Reported Symptoms

  • fainting
  • "scratching sound" inside one's head
  • constant white noise in the ears
  • tingling sensation in cheeks, lips, tongue and surrounding areas.
  • heart palpitations/ chest pain
  • swollen and sore eyes
  • fatigue
  • extremely localized, bursting headaches
  • lump in throat
  • rash / dry, flaky and irritated skin
  • grinding of teeth
  • difficulty swallowing
  • itchiness

I just hope that my symptoms stop where they are. Thankfully, I still have a few Klonopins left to deal with the anxiety levels. I knew when I decided to quit, it would not be an easy task, but I hoping that with my taper schedule, It wouldn't hit me so hard. typically the symptoms last for about 2 weeks, so we'll just see.