Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Pumped up Kicks isn't the culprit

     Before I get into this rant, I feel like I need to explain, that I do so with a heavy heart. The subject of school shootings is one that hits home with me. I went to Westside High School during the Westside Shooting, so I don't take these things lightly. I am also the father of an 8 yr old, so my heart goes out to the victims and the families of Sandy Hook Elementary.

     With that being said, I think we have a real problem when things like this happen. It seems when something happens that doesn't make sense to us, we attempt to grasp at straws, and blame these tragedies on anything that we can. There is a song called "Pumped Up Kicks" that I am sure you have heard recently. This song has been out for over a year. It has managed to fly under the radar as do many other great Indie songs. However with the recent tragic event that took place, their song has been pulled from the air. Now, I understand the lyrics are controversial. However, how exactly did a shooting suddenly cause people to be offended by it? The lyrics haven't changed since it was first released.  A song doesn't reach #3 on the billboards because most people find the lyrics offensive.
     Now, I hate to be the one to blow this horn, but songs are a form of expression. Therefore, it falls clearly under the free speech realm. Now, I know most people will say that simply pulling the song off the air doesn't mean people can't listen to it on youtube. Therefore, it hasn't truly been censored. This is BS. You know it and I know it. Kiss FM is one of the largest nationally syndicated radio stations in the U.S., and one of the most popular. By doing this, they have essentially snubbed this band.
     It's not like the band isn't being supportive. They are calling for stronger gun laws (which I won't even go into), and for donations for the school, and the victims families. Regardless of what political agendas they might have, their hearts are in the right place.

     It's not just Foster the People that are having to endure this type of censorship. Ke$ha is also dealing with it. Her song "Die Young" has also been pulled from the air. It won't stop with just music either. Games, Movies, and just about any other type of media or expression that may or may not imply any time of violence. This isnt the first time this has happened either. If American citizens are going to have these kind of "values" when a tragedy strikes, then they need to be consistent with them. Not just when its politically correct, but all the time. It's one of the biggest problems with our society today. Political Correctedness is taken too seriously. We are too afraid to hurt someones feelings in public. However, we go home and put on our headphones and we still listen to the songs. We still play the games. There is a word for this. It's hypocrite.

     I understand that the shooting was terrible. This is not to undermine or trivialize it in any way. I am just so sick of people suddenly gaining a conscience and looking down their noses at things that were just fine until something bad happened.

Foster The People, Ke$ha, Guns, Video Games.....
These things did NOT cause the tragedy. A person's actions caused it. Somebody made a conscious decision to pick up the gun. We need to understand that these types of things are going to happen. We may not ever understand them. We just need to know that ITS OK if we don't understand them. It's the times that we live in. Some people are sick, and rational thinkers simply aren't going to understand the series of events that led up to them committing these horrible acts. Mourn the lost, raise awareness, and comfort the victims families as best as we can. Don't point the bony finger of blame at things that are easy targets.




Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Achievement Unlocked: Life

     Anyone who has played games (especially on Xbox) know about achievements. They are given to you by completing certain goals and objectives in a game. Some are as easy as finishing the first level, or killing your first enemy. Some seem downright impossible, like completing the entire game without firing a single shot, or without dying. Some people (called achievement hunters) do everything they can to complete every achievement for every game. Depending on the difficulty you are typically awarded achievement points that serve no purpose whatsoever except for bragging rights. While achievements made a name for themselves on Xbox, almost all games have them now. All the way down to mobile games.

       Now, lets work that imagination for a moment. Imagine for a moment if you will, that life had achievements. From the moment you take your first breath to the moment you take your last, you are awarded achievements for life goals. Maybe when you are younger the achievements are simple. "Achievement Unlocked: Shit pants - 10 pts" How awesome would it be to be able to go back and look at the list of achievements you have done so far. It would be even funnier for those people who want to "live life to the fullest" and complete any achievements they may have missed. That could have some serious comedic value. Say there was an achievement for riding a pony or playing on the Burger King indoor playground. I could just imagine seeing an adult putting themselves in ridiculous situation for the sake of completion. 
     This would also be helpful for catching liars and cheaters. That girl from when you were in school that swore she was a virgin, when in reality she had sex with half the football team. You could actually track that shit. Yea, it says here that you unlocked the achievement "losin' it" in '94. It would be even worse if you decided to have sex with someone. Hey lets "ding" together. I'm ready to ding. Then you finish up and an achievement pops up above your head "Achievement Unlocked - Losin' It - 25pts" How awkward would it be when your girlfriend didn't get the achievement, because of the "7 minutes in heaven" game that went a bit to far at that college party. 
     Obviously the Achievement tracker would need some type of privacy controls. After all, you wouldn't want your parents to see all your achievements. No Dad, I didn't egg the principals house. I was with friends that did it, and I got the achievement for being a member of the party at the time. 

     Then there is the obvious issue of deciding what items are tracked. For instance, not many people would want to look back and see that they unlocked the achievement for having sex with 100 different sex partners,  or for drinking an entire bottle liquor in one sitting. Although these things would be good to know about someone if you were getting to know them.

   So what was the last achievement you unlocked? What achievements do you still need? 


Friday, December 14, 2012

One last post before the Apocalypse.

     Where to start, I decided to check on the stats of my blog when I suddenly realized that I haven't done an entry in almost 2 months. The sad truth is that not a lot has been going on as of late. A lot of school and work. That's about it. I had decided last month to really get out and attempt to start dating again. After having successfully tapered down to just .5 mg per day of klonopin, I was feeling much better and continue to do so. I am still on Celexa though, and I don't really see myself dropping it any time soon.
     I did meet a great woman last month. She lives a couple of hours away, but I get to see her regularly enough. She really has shown me how patient and sweet some women can be. I wasn't the easiest person to date. I had a lot of reservations at first, because I honestly wasn't sure I was ready. I went for it, and frankly, I felt like I was being shady, but she pushed through it, and I am very happy about it.
   
     I had a successful semester in school, and I am looking forward to going back next semester. I'm quite ready to get finished up with school, and move on from it. Although, I'm still not sure what I am going to do with my degree. I have a pretty sweet set up where I am working, and I'm not entirely sure I would like to leave it.
     The kids are continuing to grow like weeds. Xander played full contact football this summer, and did great. Even though he has a small stature, we wasn't afraid to jump right in (at least most of the time). Gracie is coming along well too. I cant believe how big she is getting!


     So, here we are. Exactly one week until the end of the world as we know it. Tensions are high (as are most people that take this seriously), and we are just sitting and waiting. I hope everyone else had the foresight that I have to go out and blow your entire life savings on non-perishables, and firearms and Ammo. I figured, hell....I won't need the money. After all, the money will be no good after the Zombie uprising, which I am still concerned will start in Florida. Not because of the odd goings on that have happened in recent history there. I believe it will happen there because of the old people. Old people will get sick, then the fat people (because they are slow enough for the old people to get), then children, followed by mother's and lastly...Fathers. If you don't have any children you are safe at least until the Zombie child is tired of eating Mommy and Daddy and decide to go after their aunts and uncles. The safest people during the apocalypse are only children that have no kids. I have put a lot of thought in this. so trust me. I will have the kids after work on the 21st, so if its going to happen, I feel like I will be safer. They will eat their Moms first, unless the apocalypse happens late at night, in which case, I fall into the 2nd and 3rd categories. I'm fat, and I will be the only parent around. I feel like I have spent far too much time explaining my rational thoughts to you, so I digress.
     All I know is that after buying all the guns and ammo, I can't afford Christmas. So, if this turns out not be true, I am going to have to give cases of ammunition and possibly firearms to my children for Christmas. Although, I'm sure if this doesn't pan out, there will be another end time theory right around the corner.

    Here is to hoping that all your Apocalypse wishes and Zombie dreams come true!

Talk to you on the other side of 12/21/12.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Octoberween, an excuse to be weird.

     It's October 1st, its nice and cool out this morning, and everything feels just right. It's the perfect start to Octoberween. If we can celebrate Christmas for a month, why not Halloween? After all, its a time where taboo is acceptable, and even embraced.  For those that know me, I embrace this culture year round. However, I tend to get the high brow when people see my psycho themed bathroom or my "Orgy of the Dead" Movie poster in my room.
    I decided to do a 31 day FRIGHT FEST for movies. I am going to make a list of 31 of my favorite horror films and watch one per night until Halloween. However, I am faced with the haunting task of picking out only 31 movies. I am a huge campy horror fan, so believe it or not this could be a challenge.

    This year will be different from any of my past Halloweens in that I have always celebrated my Halloween with someone. Whether it was a girlfriend, fiance, or wife. This year, however, I have to be able to entertain myself, which shouldn't be too difficult. Although I do need to find a fun costume party to go to. Then I need to pick out a costume.

   As always I will be carving my fair share of Jacks. Compliments of Zombie Pumpkins! He has a fantastic site and memberships starting at just $5. He's not paying me for this plug, its just that the owner is a great guy, and takes care of his members. Its a tight knit community, so check it out.

Now on to my 31 nights of fright!

Oct. 1 - Cabin Fever                        
Oct. 2 - Child's Play
Oct. 3 - The Happening
Oct. 4 - Paranormal Activity
Oct. 5 - Paranormal Activity 2
Oct. 6 - Paranormal Activity 3
Oct. 7 - Mirrors
Oct. 8 - Saw
Oct. 9 - The Ring
Oct. 10 - IT
Oct. 11 - The Shining
Oct. 12 - The Descent
Oct. 13 - 1408
Oct. 14 - Evil Dead 2
Oct. 15 - Abraham Lincoln Vs Zombies
Oct. 16 - Friday the 13th (1980)
Oct. 17 - A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Oct. 18 - Poltergeist
Oct. 19 - Poltergeist 2
Oct. 20 - Psycho (1960)
Oct. 21 - Exorcist
Oct. 22 - Insidious
Oct. 23 - Drag me to Hell
Oct. 24 - Trick 'r Treat
Oct. 25 - Hellraiser
Oct. 26 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Oct. 27 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
Oct. 28 - Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Oct. 29 - Wolf Creek
Oct. 30 - Troll Hunter
Oct. 31 - Halloween

As much as I would like to include the sequels there isn't enough time in the month. Obviously, there is enough time in one night that I will probably do some sequels. Especially on Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street. I would encourage you to definitely watch some of these if you haven't seen them. There are some pretty cheesy movies in there, but I do enjoy a good campy movie.

I will go in once I get home and add some old Halloween photos to my photoshare :)

Have fun with Octoberween and don't forget, It's ok to be weird!


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

If you are going through hell, keep going.

     I believe it was Winston Churchill that once said "If you are going through Hell, keep going"
Like most of Churchill's quotes, its a little "quippy" and simple, but if you really take the time to think about it, it's a pretty genius quote.

     I have failed time and time again when I set goals for myself. Some of my faithful readers have probably noticed this, and it's quite embarrassing. So, I just kind of gave up for a while. I decided to start therapy, and each week my therapist starts by asking what I want to talk to about this week. I realized that even when I explained the small irrelevant things that I had changed (at least in my eyes), she helped me to realize that all these little simple changes have huge impacts on the way I feel from day to day.  It made me wonder if the reason I was failing (and continue to do so) is because I'm expecting too much out of myself, too quickly.
     So, let me start small. I'll quit WoW first and foremost. It's keeping me up too late and taking up too much of my time. So, I quit WoW. Easy enough....I found myself with all this free time to do the things that are more important like schoolwork. Sever close ties with Amanda was next. I have been far to buddy buddy with my ex wife, and that has cause me a lot of grief and depression. When we would speak I would find myself practically begging to start over again, and it was detrimental to my emotional well being. I had a talk with Amanda, and we agreed to only speak on matters that involve Gracie.
     These small changes were so easy, and already I was seeing the benefits of them. Next, I decided no more sugary drinks. I still have my energy drinks, but its Monster Rehab Green Tea + Energy (10 cal, sugar free), the rest of the day I drink water. I decided to do something different with my night aside from TV to keep myself from lulling into a vegetative state, so I decided to listen to music instead, something to kind of keep me going. I tried it, and before I knew it, I had my chair and couch pulled out, cleaning around them and vacuuming underneath them, and I worked on my house for several hours. I felt great. I ended up not watching any tv last night.
     So, instead of making huge promises that I know I can't keep, I'm taking baby steps. One step at a time. My next endeavor is to drastically reduce alcohol consumption. Not that I'm a raging alcoholic right now, but I know that drinking has adverse effects on my anti-depressants. When I feel like I am where I need to be on that, then I will move on. Eventually, maybe I can turn it into a healthy lifestyle.

    In other news, there is a federally funded program through Arkansas Rehabilitation services that is willing to pay for my gastric sleeve in full if I can meet certain criteria. I meet all criteria except 1, which is to have 1 full year of documented physician structured diet and exercise plans. I mean, my doctor knows I've tried dieting, but I haven't had an official dietitian, so I'm not sure that's going to work out yet. I am getting everything together for that now, and will keep you updated.

    I went and got a Ben Folds tattoo a couple of weeks ago. Its a very simple sketch tattoo, but it holds a quote that means a lot to me.
It says. "It hurts to grow up...and we're still fighting it"


I posted a questionnaire on FB page and my readers seem to want me to go back to video blogging. I plan on doing this, but keep in mind, it will not be the same as before. No fancy title sequence, or anything like that. It will likely just be my mug.

Until I see you guys again.
Keep Breathing in and out

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Back to school!

   You know what that means? No school kids on WoW to ruin my play time. I'm kidding of course (kinda). I'm taking 12 hours this semester in an "online environment". I literally have nothing else to do, so I figure I will do well. It's better than playing games on my butt at home. Well, I will still be sitting on my butt at home, but I will do it constructively, not to say that leveling my engineering in WoW isn't constructive. It's just not constructive to society.
   I decided to bite the bullet and start going back to therapy, (le sigh). I'm still on the same anti-depressants that I was on during the separation and divorce, and they don't really seem to be keeping up like I feel they should, and I get a handful of free sessions seeing as how I work at an outpatient clinic. I really don't have an excuse. Although it could make for an awkward conversation when my therapist calls for technical support. I tried to pick the most low maintenance (IT wise) therapist I could think of to avoid such interactions. Therapy is already so awkward to begin with.
   The weather has been a bit cooler over the past couple of days and I'm starting to get the itch for fall. I love the fall weather. Not to mention Halloween approaches when the weather starts to cool off. Ryan has his cogs turning on the new Zombie Pumpkins! site. He has started releasing teaser pics and a title guessing contest. If you haven't checked it out,  you should. Zombie Pumpkins!
   This will be my first Halloween by myself EVER. I'm not sure yet what I am going to do with myself, but hopefully I can find some trouble to get into. If anyone is planning a party, let me know!

   Dating life hasn't had much yet worth blogging, but its slowly moving along. Taking my time is the best measure I think. Plus with school starting back, I figure I will have that much less time.

  If you are in school...Good Luck!
 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

It'll never be good enough....

I updated my food diary, i was a little behind in syncing my diary to myfitnesspal.

However, I have a reader that bitches when I don't update my journal, he bitches when i do update it because its not how he thinks it should look. He bitches because he cant click a link on the left hand side of my food diary to see my exercise diary, and then makes comments.

To that reader, and you know who you are, If you are going to be so difficult about EVERYTHING, just move on and stop reading my blog. Im tired of waking up to comments from you where you have nothing nice to say EVER.

I am being completely honest on my food log, and I know that I dont eat healthy right now, but as I stated before I am waiting for my blood test results to come back so my doctor can give me a diet plan.

I hate to be so crass, but I didnt start this blog for you, and frankly, Im tired of moderating your comments.

If you want to do it "right" start your own blog.

Maybe now I can get back to doing things how i want without having to worry about what you will say.


Thursday, July 26, 2012

Did God find me...or is it a coincidence?


The Strangest thing happened to me.

     As most everyone knows, I was born and raised in a very christian home. In fact, up until about 7 yrs ago, I was a devout pentecost. I went to church, spoke in tongue, got the holy ghost....the whole nine yards. Im not sure where or when I lost faith, but I eventually labeled myself an agnostic. It was much easier to understand than the mystery that is God and the bible.
     I didn't want to believe that "God" would shroud himself in so much mystery and yet expect us to follow him blindly. I prayed for years in vain for some type of sign that he even existed. For in my mind, it was nothing more than a fairy tale. The bible was nothing more than an Aesop's Fables for Christians.
     It wasnt long after this line of thinking before I labeled myself an Agnostic Theist. Someone who believes in a higher power but believes that no one has the cognitive capacity to even begin to understand or interpret its meaning.
     This is something that I had personal struggle with for many years. I wanted my children to grow up in a home where they were tought about Jesus and The Holy Bible. At the same time, I knew that I couldn't objectively teach them with my beliefs, so I left the religious stuff to my parents and grandparents.
     For some reason (im still not sure why) I decided last night to pray. I asked the lord to give me SOMETHING, ANYTHING. Any type of sign to show me he is still there, and he still cares about me, or that he even exists. I went on to explain that I felt a certain amount of guilt for the way I have been thinking, and for dismissing him so quickly when things turned to crap in my life. I remember falling asleep in the middle of my prayer.
     Today was unremarkable. Work went as smoothly as could be expected, and I went and got groceries and got a haircut, and just upon my daily business.

I got home and checked the mail, and this is where things got rather strange. Either a crazy coincidence or the hand of God.

I checked the mail, and inside was a hand written letter. The envelope was hand written and there was a stamp on it. It was addressed to Ronnie Boling. and when i opened it, I found a hand written letter from a lady that i have never heard of asking me to join her in worship at a local church. I immediately called everyone i knew to see if they knew the lady that sent me the message. Nobody had ever heard of her. So here I am with this letter, inviting me to church the DAY AFTER I prayed for God to give me a sign. Even though I am not a religious person, my heart strings are really tugging at me and telling me to visit this church. Almost a calming sensation, like this is what I need to do in my life in order to move forward. I have never been the type to buy into the hype of organized religion, but this is too great of an opportunity to pass up. I think I will be visiting.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Picasa Album and Indie GoGo link is live

Picasa Album and IndieGoGo link added on the right bar under important links.

Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder...

     Instead, it makes my readers pissed, and makes me look lazy. I haven't made a post in a very long time unfortunately. I also have been waiting on my Blood Lipid and Blood Metabolic Panel to return to figure where to turn next.
     I have read alot about the Keto Diet, and have seen alot of results on Reddit by people at least close to my size. Truthfully, my priorities have been skewed. I have spent so much more time concerned with dating and thinking about others, that I haven't been taking care of myself. I told myself after the divorce that I would remain single and focus on my weight loss goals, but alas, it hasn't happened that way. How could I possibly expect to take care of a girlfriend right now, when I can't even take care of myself. I think its time to step back and remember that I can't hope to find someone until I'm truly happy with myself, and right now I just make myself nauseous. Not only because I'm still a fatass, but I haven't followed through with ANYTHING I said I would.
     At this point I'm surprised I have any readers left. I havent been logging my meals, because, well, I havent been eating right. Maybe logging my meals regardless of healthiness of said meals will help me see exactly where I'm getting the calories, and it will shame me. I have been trying to make good decisions when eating, but I really need to log this stuff.
     I'm sure anything I say at this point will be taken with a grain of salt until I actually start using my food and exercise journal. So, I wont make you any promises. Ill just let actions speak at this point. Hopefully if you are one of the few that have stuck with me through the months that I dont blog, will see a renewed interest in my blog. I know its hard to put your faith into something when the person asking for help isnt showing any type of will or determination, and for that I am sorry.


     I am going to drop my dating life for now, and just worry about me, nobody else to care for except me.


Other than that, there are no real updates to life. Still just working and trying to make a living. I do have a few updated pictures for you guys though.

Oh yea, I almost forgot, I got a cat for company. Her name is Melody. I got her when she was just under 6 weeks old, and its amazing how much company she is giving me.









I hope you guys will check out my facebook page. I havent really been video blogging much but I have kind of been thinking about starting it again. My mind has been nagging me about it.

Please keep reading and checking in. I post small updates when i change anything including my food exercise diary. So, if you are subscribed, you may see a few very small posts from my phone.I am also going to add a public link to my Picasa web album so I can stop posting a bunch of pictures in my thread as suggested by another reader. It seems to be a nuisance to some to have to scroll through the pictures to get to the text.

Ill try to get this set up today.



Saturday, May 12, 2012

Depression or Deprivation? My Struggle with Sleep Apnea

     For the past year, I have been treated for depression. Nothing has really seemed to work. I still showed all the classic signs of depression. Irritability, mood swings, sleeping all the time, trouble concentrating, etc. I have tried Paxil, Celexa, and Wellbutrin, along with Klonopin for anxiety and nothing seemed to work. What was even more odd, is that I have always been an even mooded person. I wasn't always an asshole. I got along with most everyone, and everyone kept telling me I was out of character. I always blamed it on the depression even though treatment wasn't helping. 
     What if it never really was depression brought on by life changes? What if this entire time, it has been something completely different, and I have been treating the wrong disease? Don't get me wrong...there is no doubt that I have been suffering from Depression, but why haven't the meds helped?
     I have noticed lately that I get tonsilitis A LOT, in fact every morning when I wake up, my tonsils are huge, and I can barely swallow. I have been having a hard time getting going in the mornings, and I never feel rested in the mornings. In fact, I feel worse when I wake up than when I went to bed. I get headaches now, I catch myself snoring, I wake up and I have completely turned the sheets around. I often wake up with night sweats. I finally convinced myself that maybe it was time for a sleep study. 
     I knew absolutely nothing about sleep apnea, I had done ZERO research on it, but Dr. Golden recommended a sleep study. He gave me a referral and I had my first sleep study done on 5/7/12. 
     Its nothing like you would expect....at least not at my hospital. The sleep rooms are like hotel rooms. Flat panel TV's, a queen size bed, private bathrooms, individual thermostats....very cozy. I showed up and they explained to me exactly what they would be measuring. Snoring, oxygen levels, breathing, leg movement, eye movement, jaw movement, pulse, sleep position, sleep state, etc....I thought how in the hell can they do all that??? Then I quickly learned. They do it by GLUING what feels like a hundred diodes all over your body including in your hair, and in my case, my beard. However, thats not all....first they scrub the hell out of the areas that will be glued by what can only be described as liquid sandpaper. Here is me after the "Initial diodes". Keep in mind that this is only the head. You can tell how happy I am at this point...Im mainly grumpy because there is gauze and metal things glued into my beard.

     From here, I was left to wander the room for about 40 minutes while my tech finished up with her other patient.This was probably the easiest part, because I sat in the recliner and watched family guy. My tech gets back into the room and asked me to sit in this chair, which I now know was a MISTAKE, because it was in the chair where the real misery comes in. She inserts these rigid metal wires into my nose! She then sticks one of those rubbery oxygen tube things up there, so that my nose is stuffed. She then taped the stuff to my face. When all was said and done this is what I looked like.

     What you cant see is the diodes on the back of my head, on my legs, and on my chest. I eventually went to sleep, and was aroused at about 6AM feeling like shit as usual. I was greeted by a million questions about how I slept, and had to answer each on a scale of 1-9, yes 9....I didn't get it. She then doused me in acetone to remove the glued in stuff and sent me home. 
     I got a phone later that day and they told me that the doctor had looked at my results and they were ready and that I had also left my glasses on the night stand (I looked for them all morning). I went to pick up my results, and I was floored by them. I slept for 7.6 hours. I had 457 Respiratory events that lasted 10 seconds or more each. Thats 93 per hour! One every 45 seconds!!! I inquired how it was possible for me to enter rem sleep...they said I never did enter REM sleep. IN FACT (and I just learned this bit last night), out of the 7.6 hours I slept, only 25 minutes of it was spent in "restorative level 2 sleep". 
     I immediately looked up information on this and learned that anything over 30 episodes per hour is considered severe, and guess what....Sleep apnea can cause Depression, mood swings, irritability, trouble concentrating, fatigue, etc. Pretty much ALL the things that I associated with depression. So is the depression my problem???? Or is it a symptom? The only way to find out is by using a CPAP and seeing if I can get better. 
     Last night I came back to the hospital for my second test, this time with a CPAP machine, and for the first time in FOREVER I dreamed. I didn't realize that I hadn't been dreaming, I just assumed I wasn't remembering them. However, I was never entering REM sleep. The tech told me this morning, that I must have been deprived because I spent a lot of time in REM sleep. Of course, I dreamed about the mask, but it was still a dream. My pressure was set to 17 on the CPAP machine before I quit snoring.

     I guess all that is left now, is to find a mask that DOESNT look like this one, and see if my depression goes away. Its crazy to think that it could be alleviated by a CPAP. 

     The important thing is, now I know why I always feel too tired to stick with my exercise routine, Heres to  hoping for better sleep and moods in the future, and as always, I will keep you guys updated.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Big Fat Birthday

Well, I had quite a lot going on this weekend, none of which involved me picking up my new membership card from the Trim Gym.....I know, I'm terrible. I'll get it tomorrow! As some of you know, my Son and I share a birthday, and my parents are divorced, so that makes for one hell of a long weekend. I got both the kids on Friday, and we just kinda hung around the house on Friday night. It was a chore getting Gracie to STAY OFF of things. She kept climbing on the coffee table and screeching like a bird.

     I need to put a fence around the table or something! We went to Mom's house on Saturday for Pizza, Cake and Ice cream. It was fun, but Gracie had entirely too much candy and went all mental on me. I had to literally YELL at mom so she would quit giving her sixlets...We hung out over there until about 7, at which point Gracie couldn't stand to be awake anymore. Xander and I both got cash. Xander got $50 and INSISTED that I let him buy $50 worth of Microsoft Points. He got all excited, and then spent 400 out of 4000 pts, and started playing something else. I should have known better.
     This morning we got around, and went to Dad's at noon, for BBQ and cake and Ice cream, where Xander got yet more cash and Gift cards.

     Overall it was a great weekend, but I am worn out, and was ready to chill at home tonight and watch a flick. I just haven't decided what to watch yet. Here are some pictures of the weekend for those of you who arent my FB Friends.



















Friday, April 27, 2012

Words aren't enough...

    Sometimes words simply aren't enough to convey one's feelings. The problem with words is that they are easy to use. Anyone with a 5th grade education could be eloquent with words. In the past I was very guilty of saying things that I think others want to here to make them happy. It was most likely the salesperson in me.
    I have learned since I have had to reconstruct my life that words alone aren't enough. You don't do anyone any favors by telling them what they want to hear, because it will eventually come back to bite you in the ass. It a lot harder to show someone that you mean it than to just say it. Let's face it, if you tell someone something enough times, and fail to follow through with actions, you simply become a liar at that point, then no matter how eloquent you are, are how much you mean it, they will never take you seriously again.
    I can't tell you how many relationships I have ruined because of this, but I am at the point where I am tired of just talking. I have a dug a hole so big in some of my past and current relationships, that it has completely ruined any chances I have of making a reconciliation. I am going to approach this at a different angle this time around. I want to make it clear, that I am NOT talking about my Ex-Wife here. I'm talking about my future, not my past.
     The sooner we can just start over, and forget the past, the sooner I show my friend that I really mean it this time.
There are certain people in this world that have been through a lot of bullshit. Sometimes, I glorify my problems, and think that I have it terrible, but I really don't have it as bad as some people. I have one particular friend that has put up with so much bullshit from me, and still, against her best judgement befriends me. I just wanted to make it known, that I am thankful.

I'm flawed. Im Damaged at best. I wont pretend I don't have my issues, but I will promise this much....Im getting better, and the better I get, the more I see just how much what I do affects others feelings. I have been nothing but selfish for the past year, and Im getting tired of it.

It's time to put on my big boy shoes and start following through.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Let's Go Blues! (Thats St Louis, right?)

     Any person that knows me, knows that I'm not much of a sports fan, but there is something about going to an actual event that is a blast. You don't have to be a huge sports fan to appreciate the atmosphere of a live game.
     My birthday is coming up next weekend, so my best friend Bill decided to take me to the Stanley Cup Playoffs in St. Louis. Furthermore, the cards played out to where if they won they would closeout the first round, and there would be a huge celebration. Bill paid for EVERYTHING except some of the gas, and my food. He even bought me a blues cap!
     We stayed at the PearTree Hotel on Market St. which is about a block from Union Station Mall. We got there about 2, and the room wasnt ready so we went to the mall and walked around. From the hotel parking lot we had a great view of the skyline.
   
     Bill bought him a jersey and a cap, and bought me a cap, and we ate at the food court. I was stoked because I've needed a new hat for a long time. Bill bought some fancy expensive jersey, but unfortunately they don't make size fat, so I had to stick to the accessories. We decided to get a cab to the game even though it was only about a mile from us, just because I didn't want to risk walking on a sprained ankle. With it still not being 100%, I didn't want to risk re-injuring it. I had meant to buy an ace bandage and wrap it up, but I didn't have time to stop. So, I toughed it out.
    When we got there it was CROWDED, and there were some very odd people around and about. Some were uber fans, and others were homeless and begging for money and/or cigarettes, streetside evangelists, you name it.
     We get into the game and the whole atmosphere was amazing. It was a sea of blue. I didn't like how tight everything was. There was no room for anyone to walk past when you are sitting down. So, anytime someone on the row wanted to get up to pee, everyone had to stand up. Of course, I'm sure it didn't help that I am not exactly small. Plus the game turned into question time, so the majority of the game was spent leaned over yelling embarrassing questions to Bill because I didn't know what was happening most of the time
     Once the game was over, and the Blues clinched the first sound the place went NUTS! Everyone was high fiving, and hugging, air horns, screaming, shouting whistling, swinging rally towels....as we left the stadium everyone was driving by honking their horns 3 times followed by pedestrians shouting LET'S GO BLUES!! If anyone saw that you were wearing a Blues logo they would yell GO BLUES! to you. Everyone was drunk and Bill and I could do nothing but laugh about it. Between the ScottTrade Center and the hotel was an Irish Pub called Maggie O'briens, and while we were waiting, we saw this. I really cant explain it....

That my friends is a guy in a khaki SKIRT. Thankfully he was wearing underwear, but I feel like this is illegal in AT LEAST 19 states. We should have gotten free drinks just for having to witness this. The pub was PACKED but the food was fantastic. By the time we ate, we were exhausted and decided to head on back to the hotel. It was definitely the most fun I've ever had in one night.

Here are some other pictures from the trip :)

Hey Bill, Your Rally Towel is Upside down :P

Bill in front of the Scottrade Center






Monday, April 9, 2012

All moved in and immobilized....

    So with the looming move last week I really wasn't looking forward to the work of starting a new job and moving in the same week. My mother told me about this local "Handyman" service that also did moving services. It was insane how little he charged. He came to the house, and then 1 hour later, all my stuff was in my apartment, and I was only out $150. Of course, I had all the small stuff moved already, so he just moved my bed, couch, loveseat, recliner, chest of drawers, washer and dryer. Here is a link to his facebook page if you are interested in moving for cheap.  Grimes Handyman Service


     So, I was lucky enough to have over to visit a few later (Friday), and we decided to go out. At about 11:30 or 12:00 we were leaving a local restaurant when I missed a step and rolled my ankle. I told Bill that I felt like I needed to go to the hospital to make sure that it wasn't broken. I went, and they told me it was a sprain and sent me home in this cute little splint.

     I say cute, because no quicker did I get home before I rolled my a second time, this time ended me up in the floor writhing and cursing. I had enough, so decided that I would just hobble to bed to sleep it off. I woke up the next morning, and my wrist and especially my ankle was KILLING me, but it looked about the same. I just took a couple of painkillers, and relaxed Saturday. I started noticing late Saturday, that my left side of the ankle hurt especially bad, and was very tender to the touch, but I dismissed it as just tender from the sprain. Sunday, it hurt even worse, and I noticed my foot was swelling as well. This is what I ended up with before deciding to go back to the ER.

     I went back last night, and explained the second rolling of my ankle, so they did X-Ray's again, and found "Severe Ligamenture Damage" and gave me a referral to an orthopedic surgeon stating that it was actually a bad enough sprain that it could require surgery and a cast. They can't do anything until the swelling goes down more, so I am sure hoping that no surgery needs to be done.

Gracie got some spring pictures that are just adorable. Of course she does look like me....I'm kidding of course (kinda)

Here are Gracie's most up to date pictures.











Sunday, April 1, 2012

A Bloody good time...

    So, I started moving odds and ends into the new apartment today, and I got to thinking... this is the first time I have been able to decorate my own place how I want to, and I want to do something fun with one of the rooms. I chose the bathroom. I decided to do kind of a horror psycho theme. I thought it would be fun. It may be offensive to some, but I am going to love it, and I made sure to run it past Xander as I didn't want him to be scared by it. He says he loves it, so I decided to go for it.
   Here is what I decided to do with the bathroom :)



Im going to have a lot of fun with it! The rest of the apartment will be conservative, maybe.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

The first week of my new beginning....

     I started my new job this week. So far, everyone there seems to be very nice. I am getting along very well with my direct co-workers, and my boss. It has definitely been a challenge to try to get use to the early hours. I find myself napping when I get home which in turns into me being up until 4 AM. I did survive my first week though, and managed to make some new friends while doing it.
     With the new job, I decided to start looking for my own place in order to get out of my mom's house. I quickly learned that housing in the Jonesboro area is incredibly expensive. I set out with a $500 a month rent budget and that was quickly shattered after looking at a couple of $500 apartments. They were all either 300 years old with no central air, or they were in the ghetto and falling apart. I found out very quickly that I would have to change my budget to $600 a month if I wanted to get something nice. I found a very cute little apartment that I settled on. It doesn't have much of a kitchen, but I can live with that. I don't do just a whole lot of cooking anyhow. Its mostly stovetop things or oven baked meals.





As you can see, its modest, but it will be just me most of the time, so I think I can manage just fine.

     I haven't been doing good AGAIN at keeping a food diary. Its so hard to remember when you are just kind of bouncing around looking for a place to land. The last thing on my mind is updating my food diary!

     I'm currently in the process of trying to purchase a new domain, in which case my website would change to just bigfatloser.com. Whoever has the site now, obviously isn't doing anything constructive with it.


     I have sent an email to him, and called him, and have yet to get a response. I am really hoping to hear from him soon.

     I guess that's all I really have going on for now. Next week, I have to worry about moving, and I will post pictures of the finished apartment. Luckily, Amanda was kind enough to give me our old washer and dryer for the new unit. It wasn't being used anyhow, but it was still a kind gesture considering I gave them to her, and suddenly asked for them back.

Until next time!!!