Monday, February 6, 2012

A Brilliant Idea....

This is the last old blog I'm posting.

Here's a little secret that might piss off credit card companies and potentially get them to stop harassing you with upwards of 20 credit card applications per week. Some people have known this for years, and since a fair amount of people will read this I feel that it's my duty and obligation to share this secret with you.

There are two types of junk mail that everyone gets: coupons for stupid stuff that you don't want, and credit card applications for credit to buy stupid stuff that you don't need. Here's how to take care of all your junk mail in one fell swoop: use the postage-paid envelope that credit card companies send you with their applications to send them the OTHER junk mail you receive. It's just that simple. Imagine the frustration of credit card companies when they have to spend millions of dollars every year on first-class postage just to open up an envelope and find Pizza Hut coupons inside. The envelopes are intended to be used for "BUSINESS REPLY MAIL," and so use them for their intended purpose. You're sending them valuable money-saving coupons which could mean big savings to credit card companies, and it makes good business sense to use them. Consider it a reply to their business proposition with a business proposition of your own: 35 cents off a large, one-topping pizza. In fact, they should be thanking you for giving them these money-saving opportunities. Or how about sending them credit card applications from other credit card companies? Be creative.

Not only will you be pissing off the credit card companies by wasting their time and money (since they have to spend time opening all your mail), but you'll also be pissing off all the other companies that send you junk mail: Pizza Hut, McDonalds, Burger King, Papa John's and endless AT&T and AOL "free trial" offers (although I do admit that the free trial CDs make great coasters). This is of course only true if the credit card companies don't have the business sense to use your valuable coupons, and if they did then everyone would be happy.

Consider it an added bonus for your efforts to frustrate the mafia-like credit card companies. They'll do anything short of giving you head to get you to join, and I'm sure they haven't thrown out that idea entirely (Star Trek fans rejoice). Canceling is a bitch because they always try to "cross-sell" when you call in, even when you call to terminate your service. Cross-selling is when credit card or phone companies try to sell you junk in addition to what you ordered because they're greedy assholes and want to charge you as much as they can with every transaction they make. Ever call in to order something over the phone and the representative tries to sell you a service that is "free for the first three months"? That's a cross-sell. They're trying to get you to sign up for some useless service that will be billed to your credit card long after you've forgotten to cancel after your "free" three month trial period. What a crock.

What more: every time you sign up for a credit card, the credit card company gives your name to telemarketers (unless they explicitly state that they don't). Telemarketers then call to sell you a service that the credit card companies pay them to sell to you. That's not even the worst: phone companies sell you services to block telemarketers, then they bypass their own filters to have telemarketers call you to sell you more products from the same company.

Men's Restroom Etiquette....

Here is another OLD blog post.

I was in the bathroom the other day. I walked up to a urinal, and started to do my duty. Then some guy comes up to the urinal next to me, and all of a sudden he started talking to me! There's nothing worse than a mid-stream conversation in a bathroom. There's just something unsettling about talking to another guy while your unit is exposed. It's just not right.

So there I am. He's standing there, talking to me while I take a piss. The worst part of it is that I know he was trying to take a peak. I'm way too insecure to be talking to another guy while he's holding his lizard. What did he have to say that couldn't wait until we were washing our hands to tell me? More of the same old bullshit: "Hey, how's it going.." "It's snowing outside.." "My wife's due in September." You know, all the filler stuff people say to help them forget their miserable lives.

After the incident, I rushed home and scrubbed myself with steel wool and turpentine. I didn't want any warts or anything (you never can be too careful if you talk to another guy while he's holding his lizard).

While I'm at it, I must say, looking at a guy's monkey while he's taking a leak should be universal grounds for kicking someone's ass. Any cases of assault taken to court for the matter should be immediately dismissed. If you take a peak, you get your ass kicked. That's just something you don't do. Also, I'd just like to say that sitting down to pee makes you less of a man.

PSA: Insanity and You

Here's the deal: you get too stressed out, and you'll go crazy. They'll lock you up. Trust me, I know. Everyone has a puddle of sanity in their head. Stress is like a sponge that soaks up sanity. You don't want it to soak up all your sanity because you'll lose your grip.

Soon everyone will start calling you names like beaver brains and chowder head. Your only friends will be office supplies. They never laugh at you, or call you names, or pretend like they're your friends long enough for you to do their homework and stab you in the back while they go out to their fancy parties for fancy people with nice clothes and slick dyed hair, the kind of hair that all the kids try to mimic because they think that the hair will make them cool and saucy and they listen to live and bush, and they go to the canyons and sit around camp fires, holding hands and singing songs like everybody else would do if they had enough time and money or if they had a job that they didn't have to work at night and day so they could have a few minutes to compose their thoughts and register for school in time so they don't get jabbed with another $20 late fee that they can't pay for because they've been working long hours for some uncaring corporate demons in a hot, humid, dirty building with gum meaded into the carpets and feces erupting from the toilets with a smell so pungent as to elicit vomiting if not worse, since they've been 16 years old, day after day without any rest, ever.

No, office supplies just do what they're told. They sit there quietly, holding papers together, faxing documents or counting figures. They almost never scream at you and demand answers you don't have. They always follow orders, and they never talk back. They don't pretend to be nice and full of integrity while whoring themselves out to every jerk that comes along and woos them with their good looks. Office supplies are friends. 

Saturday, February 4, 2012

A spotty childhood.....

  This blog entry is incredibly private, and has a lot of things I have never shared with anyone.

It includes details about my childhood. Therefore, if you want to read it, simply send me an email at and I will send you a copy of the blog to read. Please do not copy, reproduce, or share the post in any form.

You can't always make everyone happy

     Every now and then you have to step back and realize that you can't always please everyone. There is always going to be a time in your life when you hurt someone you love. One thing you can insure is that you are happy with yourself. I know this sounds greedy, but just think about it for a moment. If you are not happy with your life, yourself, or the people around you; are you in any position to make others happy? The answer, of course, is no.
     One thing that is important to remember when you are going through tough times is that the decisions you make not only affect you, but those that love you. I have found this to be most true with the recent divorce. Even though I feel I have moved on from the separation, there are those in my family that have not, and sometimes I forget about their feelings.
     The important thing is for me to move on and put aside all of my past (with the exception of my children). That is exactly what I am doing. I have learned very recently that there are people out there that can make me feel like my old self again. For the sake of their privacy, I won't mention any names just yet. Let me just say that 4 years ago, I was different person. I was happy, flirty, and confident. All that changed during the problem with my marriage. I lost faith in myself, I lost confidence, and at one dark point I lost the will to live. Things were very dark in my life for about 6 months. I have found someone that makes me forget all that. Someone who takes me back the days when I was happy. I know a lot of people think that I am crazy. You may say, I'm on the rebound. So be it....Im telling you that I have never been one to rebound and cling to someone. My version of rebounding is dating as many women as humanly possible to keep me company. I don't typically latch to one person. Now, this may come across as I am head over heels for this woman, but I just want to express that regardless what happens with this developing situation, she has shown me that I CAN be happy again. I CAN be my old self again. It just takes someone to listen, and to be honest, and to not judge me. I have found myself talking to her about things I would never tell anyone else, just because when she listens, I can tell she is interested.
     Regardless of where it goes, the short amount of time I have spent with her has renewed my faith that there are good people still out there. They are just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and show them the same kind of faith. I am thankful for my friend.

     In fact, talking to her has made me decide to speak about another very dark time in my past. So, stick around, because things are going to get deep. I'm going to get some stuff off my chest.

To my friend....Thanks for just being there and being yourself. You have done more for me than you know! I'm looking forward to more time with you.