Thursday, May 16, 2013

A Slight Miscommunication....

So, before I get started, I have to admit that I fought about whether or not to post this for 2 reasons. One being that it's quite embarrassing, and two being that the circumstances leading up to the miscommunication is entirely out of character for me. However, it makes for a pretty interesting story. Therefore, I have decided to get it off my chest..

     It all happened on a very lazy Saturday. I was lying around the house wallowing in boredom when I decided to check my Plenty of Fish dating profile. I have taken up making profiles (embarrassingly) because I don't seem to get out of the house enough to meet people very often. I was scrolling through my matches, and a particular profile caught my eye. She was quite attractive. Very attractive, in fact. I decided to bite the bullet and message her even though I just assumed I would be shunned. Not because I feel like I'm hideous, but just because for the men, the competition on dating sites are fierce. Mainly because all the men lie to make themselves look like prince charming...but I digress. I sent a message to her. Nothing fancy...just talking about music as it seemed to be a big interest of hers that I share. She responded and was very kind. We talked back and forth for a while, and I felt it was going good.  The messages crawled to a stop and I started tinkering around the house. About an hour later, my phone went off. I picked it up, and saw a message from her. It simply said "Are you busy tonight?" I responded, "No, just sitting around, being lazy".
She responded, I'm kinda bored, do you wanna maybe hang out.

    NOW....this is where I would normally either say no, or I would offer to meet at a restaurant, or coffee shop, but as fate would have it this weekend. I was broke as hell. So, against my better judgement, I said yes. Now, to be clear, I would never just invite a stranger to my home, EVER. Under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. So, I immediately panicked, as one with Social Anxiety disorder often does. Before I knew it, I was convinced that I was about to be chopped up and eaten. The only reason I made an exception was because her profile was exceptionally well filled out. From chemistry tests, to likes/dislikes etc. And from our conversation, we had a LOT in common. At this point I gave her my phone number so she could text me.


HERE IS WHERE THE STORY GETS WEIRD. I get a text from her. "Hey, I have a friend that wants to come with me. Do you have pandora or any other music there" I responded..."Yes, I can stream music, that wont be an issue" My thought was that she was bringing a guy. So I asked her, and she said no, it was a girlfriend of hers. Anxiety really set in at this point, because frankly, I was worried that I would be awkward. I reluctantly agreed, and then immediately wondered if I could just get in my car and leave and watch them show up and leave from the next set of duplexes, and forget all this ever happened. Instead I toughed it out. 20 minutes later a knock at the door. I answered, and there stood before two very attractive ladies. The friend was WAY hotter than the original girl I was texting with. I sat down in the chair and we started chit chatting, about kids, about the apartments.....you know just small talk. This went on for well over 10 minutes. Then the conversation went to work. I explained that I work as an IT guy, and she said she worked at The Pony. Now I have never been there (honest truth), but i'm pretty sure that's a strip club. She explained that her boss sent her home because her son was sick. My first thought at this point was "why is she not taking care of him right now".

The conversation stopped...the three of us awkwardly listening to some slow indie song that playing on pandora. I was frantically trying to think of a conversation starter when the song changed to some upbeat song. The prettier of the 2 girls sat up quickly and said "SO! You wanna start with lap dance?" Um WHAAAAAAAA? I sat there mouth gaped. I literally had NO CLUE what to say. The only thing I could mutter was "ummmmmmmmmm, a lap dance" Suddenly from behind her I hear "From both of us" at which point I simply laughed....like a TOTAL IDIOT. I had no clue what else to say. She responded, or we can go straight to your room.

The silence was suddenly broken. The prettier said "The normal rate for just a dance is $50, but we can cut you a deal if you like".

"WHOA WHOA" E-BRAKE!!!! The sudden realization hit me like a ton of bricks as I felt my heart jump into my throat. My immediate reaction was the urge to vomit all over the place. I swallowed hard.....

Me: Are you two.....(long pause while I wonder if the word hooker would offend them).....Prostitutes?"

Girl 1: Um yea, I dropped you like a million hints

Me: I don't pay for sex, that's illegal. Even if it were legal, I don't pay for sex. There must have been a misunderstanding.

Girl 2 (the hot one): If you don't like me, you can just do her.

Me: I'm not doing ANYONE! I'm not paying for sex.

Girl 1: Did you just think we were going to come over here and f*ck you for free?

Me: I NEVER ASSUMED ANYONE WAS SCREWING ANYONE! I thought you girls were bored and wanted to have a couple of beers and kill time

Girl 1: I told you we were bored and needed entertainment

Me: Ok, in my terms that means a couple of beers and karaoke. Not paying for sex. (At this point I was actually getting kind of pissed)

Girl 1: So, you don't want to get lucky

Me: I think we are on the same page. POF is a dating site...not an escort service. I can't believe you had the balls to assume a guy you met on a legitimate dating site would pay for sex.

Girl 1: Come on Girl 2, this guy is a loser. He thinks he can get sex from someone else for free.

Me: Um....I can.

Girl 2: Yea, but will they look like me?

Me: No, but my standards aren't that high...(Huge grin, just to piss her off)

Then the girls stormed off.


I watched out my window for the rest of the night waiting for a 300 lb black pimp named Knuckles to come over, but he never showed. I assume they just saw some fat guy on a dating and assumed I was desperate and thought they could make a few extra bucks.

A hard lesson was learned that night. Apparently I need to brush up on taking hints on when someone on a dating site is ,in fact, a prostitute. In the meantime, nobody is coming to my house again no matter how hot unless I know you. BIG BIG Mistake.

So guys, the saying holds true. IF IT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS.

I should have known better. I have had the fortune to date some very attractive women in my past, but nothing like these two. I should have known something was awry. I thought maybe they were chubby chasers....are there women chubby chasers?


Now, I don't trust dating sites. I need to get out of the house....



 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

People and Technology...I'm onto you!!!

   Let's talk about computers. The world is run by technology. The technology is run by blathering idiots.  Well, to be fair, not all people are idiots when it comes to new technology. Some just want to attempt to keep up, but only got their first computers a year ago. These people are expected to need some guidance. These people include the elderly, children, and cavemen.

   The problem is that technology has made people so lazy about using their brains, they just don't anymore. That's ok though, because there is always someone around that these people can turn to. I am one of these people. I do it for a living, and most of the time I love it. The look of realization on someones face when they just realized they could make a shortcut on their desktop is priceless. Who wouldn't enjoy doing that. These are the type of people I enjoy helping. They want to know how you just did that, they want to try other things and ask questions, and learn.

  Now, let's move on to the 2nd type of people. These are possibly the most annoying group of technology users in my field of work. These are the people who just bought their first Iphone, and now, 2 months later, think they can build an IT infrastructure because they figured out how to sync iTunes to their phones. These are the people that SCREW UP EVERYTHING IN THEIR PATH and think they are smart while doing it. Unfortunately these are the first people that the people that need legitimate help find. However, that's only because these people walk around bragging about how much they know. Then they SCREW UP the other person's computer and make it more difficult to fix later on. Lord forbid you try to tell these people they are wrong because THEY JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO JAILBREAK THEIR iPHONE! They KNOW what they are doing, and I should just go back to playing WoW and playing with Legos. Eventually they call you and ask whats wrong with their computer because it's beyond their "Broad scope of knowledge". When you look at it, they brag about the new dog cursor that wags its tail while something is loading. They tell you they got it from a "really neat cursor pack they found because a friend shared a link on Facebook." They only downloaded it for a good cause, because it said for everyone who downloaded it Facebook would donate $100000 to some kid in Polynesia with a brain tumor", but I digress....

Let's get on with the rest of the blog entry, shall we? The next group are the ones that have college educations and think that they shouldn't have to deal with PC's. These types are most likely executives. They call when their emails won't sync, or when they need Adobe flash player installed, or a new toner installed in their printer. You attempt to explain how to fix the problem, and they have one of two possible reactions.

Reaction one is simple. "I don't have time to mess with it, come do it for me." This is acceptable with executives and bosses because some aren't happy unless your head is shoved up their ass, so it's in your best interest to do it for them.

The second reaction is the one that pisses me off. They pretend to allow you to explain how to fix it, and suddenly FORGET THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. It's like a monkey doing a math problem. You have to say, "OK, put your finger on the "CTRL key and hold it.....are you holding it? OK, now put your finger on the Alt key" This is where they interrupt and either say "Do I let go of the control key?" or "a HUGE LONG SIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHH followed by "its not working" Their goal is quite simple. Annoy the piss out of you until you do it yourself. These are the ones that leave you wondering how they set their alarm at night, or how they graduated college.


There are just as many different types of people as there are technologies. So the question is; Which are you?  If you take the time to watch someone fix your computer, or follow their instructions, you may be surprised at how easily most of your problems could be fixed. Then again, it could mean less job security for me.


Sunday, May 5, 2013

Al Capone should have sold insurance....

Let's talk for a moment about AUTO insurance. Isn't insurance a grand thing? Some 17 yr old driving down the road texting when he suddenly T-Bones you and destroys your $40k that you don't even own yet! Without insurance, there would be major economic repercussions to either you, or the snot nosed kids parents. Thank god for insurance, right??


Lets fast forward a decade. Let's pretend that this 17 yr old kid never had an accident. Let pretend that he puts his phone is his glove compartment while he drives so he isn't tempted to text. He is 27 yrs old now, and he has paid the insurance company $100 a month without even blinking an eye because HE KNOWS he has to.

So, 10 years, thats 120 months.  That is $12000 this kid has paid in to this insurance company. He has NEVER had an accident, or a speeding ticket. In fact he has never had to ask the insurance company for anything. He just gives them money every month in case he ever needs them. One day he spills coffee in his lap. He accidentally has a fender bender. The damage is minimal...maybe $1000 in damage. He can finally take advantage of this insurance company. He doesn't know that they are about to ram their entire fist up is anal cavity. Because a sane person would think, I have GIVEN this company $12000 since the day I started driving. They can afford $1000. Sure they can. You need to first pay your $500 deductible, so that they will give you money that you already gave them. Now you are an unsafe driver, so your insurance premium is going up by $25 a month.
HOW IN THE HELL IS THIS EVEN LEGAL!!!! Imagine...the millions upon millions of people just giving money to these insurance companies. Hardly any even need the insurance company! They just throw money at them, and where does it go???? Betty left foot tripped on a tube of KY jelly in walmart and get 3.7 million dollars for a concussion.

Why dont we funnel alll this money into personal savings. We have an accident. OH SHIT! Its ok, I have this insurance savings account. Lets get a quote and i'll cut you a check. Hell, let the insurance companies regulate it! The way I see it...all the money I have given you over the years, is MINE. If not, then you stole it.

Not only is it LEGAL for you to steal my money and then make me give you more if I need any of it, ITS REQUIRED BY LAW! 

I bet money if Al Capone were alive today, he'd be the CEO of some cut throat insurance company, and people would be praising him for running a successful business at cutting peoples balls off and selling them back to them at a profit.

"Dirty Thirty"

     As many of you know I turned 30 back on the 27th of April. I have seen some friends and relatives turn 30 in the past, and I can recall wondering why they always seemed depressed. It's not like your 40 or 50 (sorry Mom and Dad). Why be depressed? Aren't the 30's when you finally grow up?
    Well, I turned 30, and I too was depressed. Not because my life is on a downhill slope or any of that other typical age stuff. My depression is because I look back on my life, and I don't feel successful at all. Not that I'm thinking "OMG, MY LIFE IS OVER". Its like, wow, I'm running out of time to make my mark. I have very little college under my belt, and my job is on the rocks due to budget cuts. What the hell have I been doing since high school! I could probably go back to school. There are plenty of people my age still in school. The problem is that I fucked around so much in my early college days that now, I have to somehow squat and shit out 2 semesters of tuition out of my pocket.
    So, what can I do TODAY. What can I do to move my self into the right direction. The first question to ask is, what am I missing from my life. What circumstance can I change in this moment to better my situation.  I have always been a bit of a recluse, so I decided to come out of my shell even if it kills me and make some new friends. I log on to facebook to look up some of my old high school buddies....They are all married and have kids....fabulous! School and Work make it so easy to find people to hang with. I feel like the dude in I love you, man. I need to go on some man dates!
   Something else I can attempt to change today is to find "Someone" This isn't something I can do overnight, and this certainly isn't something I need to rush into. I do enjoy the companionship of a lady though. Someone to watch movies with and laugh with. I have met a few women along the way since the divorce, but none (except for one) really stick out for me as someone I desperately want to spend time with. I was so messed up in the head from the divorce at that time, that I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm certifiable at this point.
    Yes I know...the inevitable LOSE WEIGHT! I wish I could close my eyes and wrinkle my nose and not be a fat ass. However, we all know that is never going to happen. I started this blog as a weight loss blog, and I have FAILED UTTERLY AND MISERABLY at losing weight. I have this gym membership that sits in my pocket, and I never use it. It's so easy to blame it on my reclusivity and depression, but frankly, I'm tired of hearing myself say it.
     Once again (for the first time in 2 years) The doctor has changed my meds. Hopefully I can get out my slump of not wanting to move and get to the gym. This would be much easier if I had a swimming partner! Hopefully Phillip will be able to start swimming with me again and keep me motivated.


Now on to the most pressing matter. My career or lack thereof. I say lack thereof, because EVERY FREAKING PLACE I WORK SHUTS DOWN. Oh, a Store Director at Circuit City? Yes please. NOPE BANKRUPTCY.
OH! A nice career as a CS/LAN COORDINATOR Thank you! NOPE BOUGHT OUT!!! CLOSED THE PLANT!
OH!!! An IT HELPDESK COORDINATOR with room for advancement? YAY!!! NOPE! We're passing you over because the board wont let us fill your old position and that would be inconvenient. Speaking of which, they want to eliminate your position.
OK. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS HAPPENING HERE! Is a stable career too much to ask. Hell the most stable job I ever had was slathering mustard on buns at Sonic. How messed up is that.

So, now, here I am....30 years old. Single, very few friends, Fat, Broke, and almost Jobless. One of these things need to change before I put my head through a wall. So from now on when you turn 30 or 40 or 50 or EVEN 60! Look first at what you HAVE RIGHT NOW, not at whats going to happen as you get older. I bet you money that you really shouldn't be depressed about a number.