Tuesday, May 26, 2015

You aren't as weird as you think...

So...you know that really weird thing that you do? Maybe it's a few things that you find strange. You are sure that you are the only one that does it. You'll never know if it's true or not, because you are WAY too embarrassed to mention it to anyone for fear of looking like a disgusting freak.

Well, let me take one for the team. I'm going to take a gamble and put my reputation on the line and talk about some of the most embarrassing, disgusting, and/or funny things that I do. Hopefully you do them too, and you will laugh about it. Otherwise, I am most likely going regret this entire entry.

Some of these things will be specific to guys, because, well....I'm a guy. I'll try to be as tasteful as possible, but let's be honest. We know I'm not very tactful.

Let's start off light, and kind of obvious.

Adults pick our noses. ALL of us do it. Even the cutesy and proper ladies. We tell our kids to stop picking their noses all the time. Then we all feel that twinge of guilt because we know that we were just doing it 2 minutes ago. We just know how to hide it. We know how to hide it because our parent yelled at us for doing it and we learned to hide it better. So really....when you think about it. We aren't teaching our kids not to pick their noses. We're teaching them to hide it better. Think about it.

I still make faces in the mirror. I'm not just talking about occasionally. Like any time I pass a mirror and I'm not in a hurry. I'll ham it up. Sometimes I even make myself laugh. I like to pucker my lips as hard as I can because they get super super tiny, and I end up looking like a caricature of myself.

I not only talk to myself, I ARGUE with myself. As if there are literally two of me. One is usually telling the other either to not do something, or telling him how stupid he is for doing it. The other actually defends himself for his actions. This seems confusing, but it's literally like having a conversation, argument, and trial at the same time. I'm the prosecutor and the defendant in my own little courtroom in my mind.

Guys....it doesn't matter how much you shake it after you pee. You always end up with that little tiny dot of piss on the front of your underwear. You just pray that it doesn't show through to your pants. It's embarrassing, i know. I'm OK with talking about it though. As a side note, if this doesn't happen to you, I need you to message me and tell me your secret. I have tried everything.

While we're on the subject. You pee in the shower. Don't deny it. It's ok. It's earth friendly. You are saving water by multi-tasking. Just try not to pee on the walls or the shower curtain, because then you are just acting like a neanderthal.

You know what sucks? You just made yourself a nice meal. You sit down on the couch, and you are starving, but you can't eat until you find the perfect thing on TV to watch while eating your meal. I have literally let my food get cold because I couldn't find the show that would perfectly match my culinary decisions.

Sometimes, I'll be reading a book....I can be super into the book, but then I realize that I quit paying attention like 2 pages ago, and have been mindlessly pretending to read while thinking about something completely unrelated to the book. Then I have to go back to the last thing I remember and ACTUALLY read it.

Something else that people do...even though it's gross. You know when you get that itch in a weird place. Maybe your belly button, inside your ear, butt crack, armpit. You aren't the only one that sniffs your hand. Everyone does it. OH NO! NOT ME! (that's what you just thought). Liar. It feels good when you just smell skin or soap. Makes you feel like you are as clean as a saint. We won't talk about the other times.

Speaking of which. Ever notice how when you catch a whiff of something stinky, you immediately sniff yourself. You get that gut wrenching feeling for a split second that you stink. You could literally have JUST stepped out of the shower. It doesn't matter. You will do the sniff check.

Sometimes I will be sitting on the couch, lying in bed, or maybe in the shower, and suddenly I will get this overwhelmingly embarrassed feeling about something stupid I did like 8 years ago. Like, I wonder if someone from that party 8 years ago, is thinking about me breaking my nose trying to do a one handed push-up while I was drunk. The answer is no. They probably forgot it. Your brain won't let you forget it though. EVER.

EVERY SINGLE TIME I send an email, I immediately go to my sent folder and look at it. I don't care if I read it 100 times while drafting it. Like somehow, the ether will swallow my message and jumble it up into a indiscernible mess. If don't check it from the sent folder, I just can't be sure that it doesn't look like it was sent by a psychiatric patient.

Ever call someone only to realize you forgot who you were calling when the phone started to ring? It's not nearly as big of a deal now with cell phones, because you can just look at the dialer. However, there was no worse feeling on the house phone than praying to god you recognize the voice on the other end when they pick up, or else you just have to hang up on them.

Having to re-wipe. Enough said. The Itchy Butt struggle is real. It doesn't always occur, but sometimes...no matter how thorough you are you can't avoid the re-wipe. That awkward walk back to the restroom 20 min later because your butt itches. It's OK. Really. It happens to everyone. I  mean, except me of course. A friend just told me about this.

I have this bad habit of listening to music in the car and imagining I'm on stage performing for a live audience. It's so bad that when I mess up, I apologize to the audience in my head and I just have to restart the song. If I don't get it right, I have to listen to that part of the song 740 times until I get the lyrics right. Then suddenly, I'm at home, and I have no clue how I got there. I literally just drove from work all the way home, and have NO RECOLLECTION of the drive. It's terrifying, but my audience loved me.

Why is it so hard to throw our empty shampoo bottles away? We just put them in the corner of the shower until they pile up into a monument of shampoo bottles of days past. It's like a memorial in my shower. Maybe if we spent less time cupping our arms to our chest to see how much water we can hold in our body bowl, and more time cleaning the shower, it wouldn't be an issue.

I could go on like this for days. When you find yourself being "weird" just remember one thing. There are 7 BILLION people on this planet. These things above are a universal language of sorts. The odds are in your favor that no matter how disgusting or strange it is, someone out there can probably relate to it. A quick google search will help you figure out exactly how normal you are.

It's OK to have those quirks. They make you who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that.

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