Tuesday, May 26, 2015

You aren't as weird as you think...

So...you know that really weird thing that you do? Maybe it's a few things that you find strange. You are sure that you are the only one that does it. You'll never know if it's true or not, because you are WAY too embarrassed to mention it to anyone for fear of looking like a disgusting freak.

Well, let me take one for the team. I'm going to take a gamble and put my reputation on the line and talk about some of the most embarrassing, disgusting, and/or funny things that I do. Hopefully you do them too, and you will laugh about it. Otherwise, I am most likely going regret this entire entry.

Some of these things will be specific to guys, because, well....I'm a guy. I'll try to be as tasteful as possible, but let's be honest. We know I'm not very tactful.

Let's start off light, and kind of obvious.

Adults pick our noses. ALL of us do it. Even the cutesy and proper ladies. We tell our kids to stop picking their noses all the time. Then we all feel that twinge of guilt because we know that we were just doing it 2 minutes ago. We just know how to hide it. We know how to hide it because our parent yelled at us for doing it and we learned to hide it better. So really....when you think about it. We aren't teaching our kids not to pick their noses. We're teaching them to hide it better. Think about it.

I still make faces in the mirror. I'm not just talking about occasionally. Like any time I pass a mirror and I'm not in a hurry. I'll ham it up. Sometimes I even make myself laugh. I like to pucker my lips as hard as I can because they get super super tiny, and I end up looking like a caricature of myself.

I not only talk to myself, I ARGUE with myself. As if there are literally two of me. One is usually telling the other either to not do something, or telling him how stupid he is for doing it. The other actually defends himself for his actions. This seems confusing, but it's literally like having a conversation, argument, and trial at the same time. I'm the prosecutor and the defendant in my own little courtroom in my mind.

Guys....it doesn't matter how much you shake it after you pee. You always end up with that little tiny dot of piss on the front of your underwear. You just pray that it doesn't show through to your pants. It's embarrassing, i know. I'm OK with talking about it though. As a side note, if this doesn't happen to you, I need you to message me and tell me your secret. I have tried everything.

While we're on the subject. You pee in the shower. Don't deny it. It's ok. It's earth friendly. You are saving water by multi-tasking. Just try not to pee on the walls or the shower curtain, because then you are just acting like a neanderthal.

You know what sucks? You just made yourself a nice meal. You sit down on the couch, and you are starving, but you can't eat until you find the perfect thing on TV to watch while eating your meal. I have literally let my food get cold because I couldn't find the show that would perfectly match my culinary decisions.

Sometimes, I'll be reading a book....I can be super into the book, but then I realize that I quit paying attention like 2 pages ago, and have been mindlessly pretending to read while thinking about something completely unrelated to the book. Then I have to go back to the last thing I remember and ACTUALLY read it.

Something else that people do...even though it's gross. You know when you get that itch in a weird place. Maybe your belly button, inside your ear, butt crack, armpit. You aren't the only one that sniffs your hand. Everyone does it. OH NO! NOT ME! (that's what you just thought). Liar. It feels good when you just smell skin or soap. Makes you feel like you are as clean as a saint. We won't talk about the other times.

Speaking of which. Ever notice how when you catch a whiff of something stinky, you immediately sniff yourself. You get that gut wrenching feeling for a split second that you stink. You could literally have JUST stepped out of the shower. It doesn't matter. You will do the sniff check.

Sometimes I will be sitting on the couch, lying in bed, or maybe in the shower, and suddenly I will get this overwhelmingly embarrassed feeling about something stupid I did like 8 years ago. Like, I wonder if someone from that party 8 years ago, is thinking about me breaking my nose trying to do a one handed push-up while I was drunk. The answer is no. They probably forgot it. Your brain won't let you forget it though. EVER.

EVERY SINGLE TIME I send an email, I immediately go to my sent folder and look at it. I don't care if I read it 100 times while drafting it. Like somehow, the ether will swallow my message and jumble it up into a indiscernible mess. If don't check it from the sent folder, I just can't be sure that it doesn't look like it was sent by a psychiatric patient.

Ever call someone only to realize you forgot who you were calling when the phone started to ring? It's not nearly as big of a deal now with cell phones, because you can just look at the dialer. However, there was no worse feeling on the house phone than praying to god you recognize the voice on the other end when they pick up, or else you just have to hang up on them.

Having to re-wipe. Enough said. The Itchy Butt struggle is real. It doesn't always occur, but sometimes...no matter how thorough you are you can't avoid the re-wipe. That awkward walk back to the restroom 20 min later because your butt itches. It's OK. Really. It happens to everyone. I  mean, except me of course. A friend just told me about this.

I have this bad habit of listening to music in the car and imagining I'm on stage performing for a live audience. It's so bad that when I mess up, I apologize to the audience in my head and I just have to restart the song. If I don't get it right, I have to listen to that part of the song 740 times until I get the lyrics right. Then suddenly, I'm at home, and I have no clue how I got there. I literally just drove from work all the way home, and have NO RECOLLECTION of the drive. It's terrifying, but my audience loved me.

Why is it so hard to throw our empty shampoo bottles away? We just put them in the corner of the shower until they pile up into a monument of shampoo bottles of days past. It's like a memorial in my shower. Maybe if we spent less time cupping our arms to our chest to see how much water we can hold in our body bowl, and more time cleaning the shower, it wouldn't be an issue.

I could go on like this for days. When you find yourself being "weird" just remember one thing. There are 7 BILLION people on this planet. These things above are a universal language of sorts. The odds are in your favor that no matter how disgusting or strange it is, someone out there can probably relate to it. A quick google search will help you figure out exactly how normal you are.

It's OK to have those quirks. They make you who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that.




Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Critics of Corpulence (Fat Shaming) - Killing Stereotypes

I usually like to keep things light around here, but there is something that needs to be said, and I am going to say my part. This will be ranting, so if you don't want to hear it, then I'll see you next time.

So, I'm not saying I'm not longer fat, because I am. I have lost enough weight that I feel that I can confidently blog about something that I always hoped was just my imagination. It's not though, and it's disgusting.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I can speak on what I have personally witnessed.

People are guilty of judging a person based on their weight. Hell, even I was guilty of when I was heavier.

TV has made fat people into the new edgy thing. Spinning off weight loss programs, reality shows with fat people, all because we are the new freaks. People like to gawp and laugh. Either that, or made to pity us and feel sorry for us. That's not what we need.

When I was at my heaviest, only a handful of women would give me the time of day. I had NO luck on dating sites...most wouldn't return my messages at all. In public if I started a conversation with an attractive lady, more times than not they would say the bare minimum to get me to simply leave them alone. Granted, I had issues with confidence, but nothing that I would deem dramatic. I would also get a lot of "You're good looking for a big guy." WHAT? What does that even mean..."FOR A BIG GUY?" You mean, I'm handsome but you can't be seen dating a big guy? You can't be bothered to talk to me, or get to know me. Don't say that. It makes no sense.

Since losing weight, I have noticed a difference in the way people treat me. I'm not talking about just women. I mean people in general. Men and women alike. I get asked to more events, people that completely ignored me before have started talking to me. Amazing stuff.

Here is a secret....Fat people know that they are fat. Some fat people are OK with their looks when they are fat. They know they aren't "healthy" but they do what they can to make the most of it. Regardless of what ANYONE thinks. It's not always as simple as diet and exercise. Yes...some people are fat because they are, in fact, simply lazy. That or they are just complacent. It's not OK to blanket the entirety of the fat population with the stereotype that "Fat is a choice". It's not. I tried for years to lose weight unsuccessfully.

Thin people that were handed the genetic lottery and were thin or fit their whole life simply can't understand what it's like being fat. It's not possible for them to get fat, so therefore in their minds, we had to make a conscious effort to get out of control. There is no excuse for their blind ignorance on the subject of obesity. Instead of researching what they don't understand, they jump on the bandwagon and shame people.

Another thing that I have noticed is job opportunities. I could barely even get a call back after an initial interview before working where I do now. It's different when you weigh less. I don't give flying flip what ANY EMPLOYER says. There have been job market studies that prove that heavy people that are equally as qualified for a job opening are less likely to get it because their weight implies laziness.

The study also showed that employers were afraid of health issues (which is admittedly more understandable), and hygiene issues. HYGIENE issues. Being fat does not mean being dirty, or stinky. Even at 400 lbs, I was excessively aware of my hygiene. If nothing else I think I was more sensitive of my hygiene at that weight. There are a few obese people that admittedly do not take of themselves for whatever reason. For that group there are no excuses. Don't misunderstand me. It's important for you to realize the point I am trying to make.

SOME FAT PEOPLE MEET THESE STEREOTYPES. They do. I am not defending those people that simply do not try. I am trying to speak up for those that genuinely try to make the most of the hand they were dealt. People that are fat and are trying to lose weight need SUPPORT.

Instead, in some places. (reddit for example). If I were to go and post something about my weight loss progress. I would be met with incredibly hateful remarks. Whether it be that I am still fat, or I should exercise more, or I didn't try hard enough. Strewn about in the comments will be people saying "Great job" or "Keep up the good work". But for every one of those, there will be 2 from people that are there to discourage or make inflammatory remarks.


Part of me wants to think it's all in my head, but then I read stuff on reddit that simply supports my suspicion.

There is actually a subreddit call /r/fatpeoplehate. It is inundated with hateful remarks about obese people. Some of the stuff they write on there is physically disgusting. As bad as I hate to, let me show you some examples of the things they post. I pulled these off the FIRST PAGE. I didn't have to dig for them. I will not link them. However, I will post some screenshots.


I'm sure by now, you have heard of Tess Holliday. The admittedly obese model. These guys had a few things to say about her.




Then she posted something on her facebook about working out. TRYING to at least be healthy. She said her physical trainer was "Kicking her ass". This was their response to her exercising,












So...The issue is here is that all this motivation that they have AGAINST the fat people could be channeled into good use. Motivation by insults is not motivation. It's a way to make yourself feel good about being a shallow asshole. Plain and Simple.

They FIRMLY believe that shaming fat people is a healthy way to make them lose weight. They post supporting articles like "Man loses 294 lbs after his friend calls him a Fat F**K every day for 6 months."

This is America. We allow free speech, but as a former 400+ lbs man with depression, these types of comments and people are dangerous.

So, what is the takeaway here? What's my point?

Simply this....

Being fat is not (always) a choice. It can be due to any number of things out of our control. I will leave that research up to you, as adults.

Fat people are JUST LIKE YOU. Being fat doesn't necessarily mean they are worse lovers, workers, or people. They deserve every opportunity that a healthy adult deserves. They deserve a chance to find love, because the vast majority of obese people are unable to be as fortunate as me. They will remain large the rest of their lives.

Some will get lucky and find someone that isn't shallow that will love them. They will live long lives. Some will die from health related issues. Some will commit suicide because of posts like above, or because they feel hopeless to do anything about their weight.

The hard to swallow truth is that people make remarks like the ones I posted above dont realize it is life threatening. It's not funny, it's not cute....you could literally be the comment, or laugh that puts the gun or the knife in their hand.

I know it sounds dramatic, but I assure you, it's not. I've been there..personally.

Take that energy and put it to GOOD use. Support someone. Offer help in whatever way you can. If you are healthy and go to the gym, invite someone. Offer diet advice. Offer whatever you can contribute aside from being an asshole. Because at the end of the day, you will both benefit from it.

I'm hopping off the soapbox now. If anyone from /r/fatpeoplehate see this, I'm sure I'll see you on reddit! I really do not care about their opinions. And neither should you.

If you need any help or advice please, contact me. I will do whatever I can to help.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Whoa, Momma!

Another mother's day is in the books. What did you do for your Mom?

This year was a little bit different for me. I didn't see my Mom this year. Due to Lesle's mothers health, my Mom suggested that I spend the day with them. While it admittedly seemed strange, it served as a reminder that my Mom is pretty damn amazing. Giving up her day to let me spend time with my girlfriend and her ailing mother.

Even though I couldn't see her, I thought a lot about her. I decided to write a blog entry about my Mom. This won't be some self indulgent, my Mom could kick your Mom's ass post (even though she could). Instead I wanted to tell you guys about my Mom.

No parent is perfect. If you think you are, then you are delusional. However, there are a few things (at least in my humble opinion) that define a parent. It's not based on any one thing in particular. You can't define a parent based on what you think may or may not have been appropriate for you at any given time.

There have been times that I was told I couldn't do something, and I was pissed at her, only to later learn that it was a wise decision she made.

I'll tell you a few things that make up a great mother.

FORGIVENESS. The ability to forgive your children no matter how many poor life decisions they make is an important. I have made a handful of stupid mistakes in my life. However, no matter what happens, My Mom is always willing to forgive her children. Sometimes it takes a few days, but it always happens.

LOVE. My mother has probably the most fierce love for her children out of any mother I have met. She will do anything for her kids, and I mean anything. Just talking to her on the phone, or the way she hugs you. You can feel it.

LOYALTY. My Mother is loyal to her kids almost to a fault. If anyone crosses any of her children, up and including her husband. You had better clear a path. She has the ability to reign the bowels of hell onto anyone that is looking to hurt or take advantage of her children. In fact, it's scary sometimes. She will cut a fiery path straight to the heart of the poor sap that was dumb enough to try to hurt one of her kids. The only bad thing about this is that her kids aren't immune to this Motherly wrath. Occasionally, us siblings fight, and whoever is being the ass (which is usually me) is easily marked for death until they make things right with the other sibling. So keep this in mind before you hurt my feelings. I WILL TELL MY MOMMY.

SACRIFICE. I know no other woman/mother that has sacrificed more for her children than my Mom. She would literally give one of her children the shirt off her back if we needed it (as cliche as that sounds). If we need something. She will move heaven and earth to get it for us. I'm not talking about new shoes, or a new car...I'm talking about things we need. Groceries, bills paid, car repairs...things like that. There was a time shortly after my divorce that my money was in a terrible state. There were many times when she bailed me out of trouble. Even if it meant giving me the last dollar in her account. (but she would never admit if she gave us her last dollar). She has been known to work 3 jobs just because she likes to have the financial flexibility that is needed for when/if her children need her. That, and she REALLY likes getting new furniture for some reason. (usually when one of her kids are moving and has no furniture).

PRIDE. Not the bad kind. The kind where no matter what her kids do, she is proud of it, and she will tell the world. It doesn't matter how many times you failed before, if you do it on the 100th time, she acts like whatever you did was done perfectly, and all the failures just melt away. If I need my ego inflated, I just call her and tell her something perfectly mundane that I accomplished, and get praised for it.

STRENGTH. I'm not going into all the gruesome details of how I know my mother's strength is unparalleled, Anyone who knows us personally, knows that she has been through more in her lifetime than most people I know. No matter how bad things got, and how many times she was knocked in the dirt, this woman has the unbelievable ability to get up, dust off, hold her head high and push through it with a smile. She is the strongest woman I know. Hands down, and in more ways than one. And, I'm not just saying that because she's my Mom. I promise, if you knew half the stuff this lady has been through and have ever met her, it would probably shock you that she's not a frail, meek, little lady. She is the epitome of "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." She is stronger today than ever.

PATIENCE. Have you met me? The fact that this woman has not killed me yet is a miracle in and of itself. The amazing part is that I'm the LEAST bothersome child! I mean I love my sisters....but they require quite a bit of patience too. I would say much more than I do. They are both still alive as well. So, that's a testament to the patience of my mother.

See, I am lucky. I have the BEST MOM. I'm sorry to break it to you other suckers....but, it's kinda no contest.

If you argue with me, I'll tell my mom you hit me, and she will kill you with her laser eyes.

All joking aside. I know that no matter what happens, whether it's my own fault, or somebody else's doing. I'm covered. My Mom is always no more than a couple steps behind, cleaning up after me if I need her there. Nobody asks her to do that. So, don't mistake that sentence to mean that I expect it, or ask for it. I try not to depend on my parents to fight my battles at my age, but everyone falls, everyone fails, everyone makes mistakes. Who has you covered if you mess up?

I love my Momma so much that this blog entry can only begin to scratch the surface of how much I love and respect my Mom. Written words only mean so much. They can only express so much before becoming redundant or sounding disingenuous, so I will just end it here.

Here is my Mom, Carol Mayfield.




Happy Mothers Day, Momma. I love you!